


Jamie

by whatdoidowiththisthingnow



Series: Jamie [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-12 10:30:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 40,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12957315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatdoidowiththisthingnow/pseuds/whatdoidowiththisthingnow
Summary: Post Sanvers break-up, Maggie has a kid (Jamie) and returns to National City.





	1. Jamie

It’d been four years since they’d broke off their engagement. Four years since that horrible, beautiful, torturous goodbye in their apartment. 

Four years since the single worst day of Maggie’s life.

She spent the first month waiting for Alex to say she’d changed her mind. She spent the first month ignoring hundreds of calls and texts from the Super Friends. She spent the first month requesting desk duty, cold cases, and calling in all of her favors to not have to go back into the field.

She cut herself off from anyone that had ever met Alex. She switched coffee shops, yoga studios, pizza joints, bars…all of it. 

As big as the city was, and as hard as she tried, she eventually wound up crossing paths with a certain government black ops unit, and a particular blonde superhero, and once, a black-belt vigilante without his man-in-the-van. 

Breakup or no, she knew she had to cover for him—and she also had to yell at him and threaten to arrest him—then she agreed to get coffee with him. And somehow…that turned into a friendship.

She was pretty sure the Super Friends never knew about it.

…

It’d been three years since Maggie had to tell James Olsen she was leaving National City.

She wasn’t going to run from Alex—she was done running. But after a year, she realized she was staying for Alex, and she wasn’t going to do that either. An assignment came up in Gotham, and she took it.

Their friendship somehow got closer with the distance, and slowly, he came to know everything about her—her biggest secret. When she returned to National City after three years, he was waiting with open arms and a spare bedroom.

…

She spent the first night crying on his couch.

“I can’t do this James. I shouldn’t be here.”

“You’re always welcome here, Maggie.”

“No, I shouldn’t be _here_. In National City. I…I shouldn’t…”

“It’s a free country.”

“You know what I mean.”

“You probably won’t even see her.”

She does not dignify that with a response, but she does roll her eyes.

“Ok…you _might_ see her. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“It’s not—it’s more than that. Of course I _want to_. I always want to. I will probably always want to. But I shouldn’t. Especially not now. Not like this. It will kill her. Or—more likely—she will kill _me_.”

“She will not kill you.”

“She might kill you.”

“She’s not gonna kill me either.”

“You sure about that? You’re harboring a fugitive, Olsen.”

He laughs out loud, then claps a hand over his mouth to stifle the noise. He puts down his drink and hugs her tight, “You are a lot of things, Maggie Sawyer, but you’re not a fugitive.”

She lets him hold her, “It might be easier if I was…” she grumbles.

…

It took exactly 19 hours and 37 minutes until she ran into Alex Danvers—or, more accurately, until Alex Danvers ran into her.

She grabbing coffee at Noonan’s—her first mistake, but it’s _so_ close to James’ apartment, and she really missed their donuts. 

When she walks out the door and rounds the corner, a woman runs right into her. If she hadn’t just switched her coffee to her other hand, it would’ve spilled on them both.

“I’m sor— _Maggie?”_

She doesn’t need to hear her name out of the woman’s lips, because the first syllable sent chills down her spine. She stands there gaping like an idiot in the middle of the sidewalk, feeling like someone just whacked her in the stomach with a baseball bat.

Alex Danvers looked good. Alex Danvers always looked good, but Maggie hadn’t seen her in four years, and seeing her now was…breathtaking. Her hair was a little longer—like it had been when they started dating—but a different reddish tint than she remembered. She must’ve come from her morning run, because it was November, but she was wearing a tank top and leggings and running shoes, and…and Maggie needed to stop staring.

Tears well in her eyes, and she bites down hard on her lip to keep them from spilling over, “I can’t…”

The look on Alex’s face brings her right back to their living room, right back to the last time she was standing in front of her. It killed her then, and the wound feels just as fresh now.

She clears her throat, and blinks back her tears, “Sorry. I mean, I can’t…right now. I’m late….” she tries to recover. It was 5:30AM, she was late for nothing, but Alex didn’t know that. She takes a half a step to the side, “I’ll—I’ll call you?”

Alex nods.

“Same number?”

She nods again. 

“Ok.” The only bit of self-restraint she has left stops her just short of saying what popped into her head all-too-naturally, but they both feel it. _See you around, Danvers_. 

She gives her ex-fiancée a small smirk, and carefully steps around her on the sidewalk. She had never focused so hard on walking normally in her life, and she was pretty sure however her legs had decided to move was nothing like how they normally did. She doesn’t stop or turn around until she’s inside James’ apartment.

…

“You look like you saw a ghost,” he chuckles.

She closes the door behind her, careful not to slam it, “I did.”

“Oh. _Oooh._ And?” he asks carefully.

“And I told her I’d call her.”

He grins, “Sounds like it went well.”

She punches him in the shoulder, “I’m _not_ going to call her.”

“Maggie!”

_“Shhh!”_

“Mama?”

She stares at James, who at least has the decency to look guilty, “Sorry.”

“Over here, peanut,” she calls.

They watch as her four-year-old daughter pads sleepily down the hall in her pajamas, her brown hair a mess, big green eyes only half-open, dragging her blue and white blanket behind her on the floor.

Maggie picks her up and takes a seat at the table, setting her on her lap, “Good morning,” she whispers.

She doesn’t answer, but lays against Maggie’s chest and closes her eyes again. Maggie looks at James, “How am I going to explain this?”

“Tell her the truth.”

“You know I can’t do that.”

He sighs and sits at the table next to her, “Why?”

“This is the thing that destroyed us, James. This exact thing. This reason. And now…it’s not fair. It’s not fair to her.”

“This was the _only_ thing that separated you. This was the _only_ way you weren’t perfect…but that changed.”

She hates how right he is, even when she’s grateful for his honesty. It’s one of the things she likes about him most, “A lot of things have changed.”

“Have they?”

She opens her mouth, then shuts it again. _Have they?_

…

For four days she does not call Alex. Partially because she’s too busy, and when she’s not actually busy, she’s terrified.

Saturday night, Maggie makes them all dinner while Jamie is regaling James with every single thing they did at the zoo today, and somewhere along the way, Maggie finds herself staring at the pan on the stove, thinking of Alex, and not actually hearing anything.

A tug on her sleeve breaks her trance, “Mama?”

She looks down at her daughter and then up at James, who seems to be saying a lot without actually saying anything. She ignores him. “What’s up?”

“When do I start school?”

“Monday.”

“What day is today?”

“Saturday.”

“Do I have to wear a uniform?”

“Yes.”

“What color is it?”

“Blue.”

“Who’s my teacher?”

Maggie picks her up and tickles her, “Is this an interrogation?” she laughs, “What’s with all the questions, little miss?”

“I’m _curious!”_ she giggles.

She stops mid-twirl and looks at her now hanging upside-down daughter, “Curious?”

“Yes.”

She flips her right-side-up and gently places her on the floor, “That’s a pretty big word.”

“Did I say it right?”

She smiles, “You sure did.”

Jamie looks awfully proud of herself.

Maggie pats her butt, “Go wash your hands, it’s time for dinner.”

She watches her take off down the hall and James stands slowly from the couch with a look she can’t quite decipher. She shakes her head, “The kid is relentless.”

“She’s adorable.”

She shrugs, “You already knew that.”

“I did. It’s always different in person though. It’s…better.”

She watches as Jamie twirls down the hallway, making herself dizzy and making herself laugh, “It is.”

…

Later that night, after Jamie’s gone to bed, and James has gone to bed, Maggie sits up nursing a cup of coffee she’s not drinking, staring at the TV that’s not on, and turning her phone over in her hand.

She pushes the button and the screen lights up: 10:42PM. She shouldn’t call. It’s too late. But…it’s Saturday night. She’s always been a night owl…surely that hasn’t changed in four years?

She unlocks the screen and dials the number she still knows by heart. 

It rings and she panics. She tries to hang up, but dammit if Agent Danvers’ reflexes aren’t still the fastest in the West. She answers before the first ring is even over, “Hello?”

Maggie hesitates. She doesn’t want to answer, and she’s never wanted anything more, and she freezes.

“…Maggie?”

“Alex.” It comes out more like a whisper than she’d like.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

The next twenty seconds passes in silence, and Maggie’s not sure who laughs first, but they’re both nervously laughing now.

“I think this is going well.”

“Yeah,” she laughs, “not weird at all.”

She can hear Alex take a deep breath, “How are you?”

“I’m…” How does she answer that? _I’m alone. I miss you. I’ve missed you every day for four years. By the way, I’m a mom now—even though I told you I could never be one._ She says the only thing she can, “I’m ok. You?”

“Still me.”

That’s a weird answer, “That’s good.”

“I think so.”

“And the Super Friends?”

“Still…super.”

“Good.”

“Yeah.”

She pauses, “I…I moved back.”

“…oh.”

She stands in the dark living room and paces, “Uh, I mean, I guess I don’t even know if you knew that I left, but I did. I left. I’ve been…away for the past few years. And now…”

“Now you’re back.”

She stops at the window and stares out into the street, “Yeah.”

“Makes sense.”

“Huh?”

“I haven’t seen you…around…in a while.”

“Right…” she hears the creak of the door from the hallway and a little voice. She throws her palm over the receiver, realizing a second later that she doesn’t actually know where the receiver is on her cell phone—it’s just one of those things anyone who grew up with a landline is accustomed to doing, “Alex, I have to go.”

She can still perfectly imagine the look on Alex’s face that matches the change in her tone, “Ok.”

“Um…but can we talk again?”

The answer is quiet, and it takes a while, but she’s patient, “Sure.”

“In—in person next time, maybe?”

She can hear Alex swallow hard, “Yeah. Ok.”

“I’ll call you.”

“Ok.”

She hangs up without saying goodbye. If they didn’t say it last time, she certainly wasn’t going to say it now. 

She shoves her phone in her pocket just as her daughter rounds the corner, half-asleep, “What’s the matter?”

“Bad dream,” she mumbles.

Maggie kisses her forehead and picks her up to carry her back to bed. Inside the small bedroom in James’ apartment, her daughter curls up into her side, and she pulls the blankets over them both.

She thinks about Alex until she drifts off to sleep—and then she dreams of her.

…

She doesn’t call her back for almost two weeks.

She doesn’t mean to, but she’s caught in the whirlwind of Jamie starting school, and moving into their new apartment, and settling into her new job and her old precinct…and time gets away from her.

They make a plan to have dinner one Saturday night. 

She spends a long time in her room choosing an outfit. She wanted to look nice, but not too nice—this wasn’t a date, it was just dinner. _Just dinner_. She repeated that in her head so many times, it stopped sounding like words altogether. 

James volunteers to watch Jamie, and she’s both grateful and a little miffed that it doesn’t seem like Jamie’s going to miss her at all while she’s gone. She gives her a hug and a kiss, and skips back to the living room, where she’s constructing a spaceship out of the pile of Legos on the floor. She doesn’t even look back.

Little stinker.

James gives her a hug, tells her “you can do this,” and she actually believes him.

…

When she pulls up to the restaurant, a lot of feelings come back to her very suddenly. She needs to get it together.

The restaurant is nice, but not particularly romantic-looking. She immediately noticed that it was a place neither of them had been to together—in fact, it only opened a few months ago—and she’s grateful for that.

When she gets to the table, Alex is taking off her coat, and Maggie does the same. They exchange awkward hellos that are somehow both empty and full of meaning.

She tries not to stare, but she definitely sneaks glances at her, trying to memorize the whole thing: the boots, the black jeans, the dark green sweater. She’s notes that her style hasn’t changed much in four years, and she finds that she likes that. 

There’s a moment where their eyes meet and she wonders if she should hug her—she really wants to hug her, to touch her—but then the moment passes, and she follows Alex’s lead and sits down.

They order some drinks, and after the waitress leaves, the silence is deafening.

She picks up her menu and pretends to read it, “So…what’s good here?”

“I, uh…I don’t know. I’ve never been here.”

“Oh. Well…it’ll be an adventure. I like it.”

There are a million and one feelings coursing through her veins right now, and only years of police and military training keep her voice steady and her hands from shaking.

Thankfully the service is quick. When their drinks come, she holds her beer up to Alex’s, “A toast.”

She snorts, “A—a toast? Seriously?”

“Oh yeah, Danvers. A toast.”

Alex rolls her eyes, but holds her beer up and reluctantly meets Maggie’s gaze.

She tilts her head and grins, “This is fucking awkward. Cheers.”

Alex nearly drops her beer on the table. 

She catches it at the last second, laughing—and Maggie hasn’t heard that laugh in years, but warms her whole body. Her heart swells, and she laughs too. 

Alex’s glass touches hers, “I can drink to that,” and they do.

By the time their food comes, the conversation comes a little more naturally.

…

They start talking about work, and old cases, and the DEO—and when Alex accidentally lets it slip that she’s now the Assistant Director, Maggie orders them celebratory shots. 

She gets brief updates on the Super Fam, but she lets Alex decide how much or how little she’s going to tell. It turns out to be very little, but she doesn’t push.

Alex tells her how J’onn and M’gann are now married—“not Earth married though, but Mars married? It’s hard to explain…” 

Maggie takes her word on that.

Winn is “still Winn.”

“And Lyra?” Maggie asks.

Alex scrunches up her face and shakes her head.

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that,” she frowns.

“Well…you might be the only one…” Alex laughs.

She actually knows most of these things from James, but it’s different hearing them from Alex. She also asks about James because she knows it would be odd if she didn’t, but Alex doesn’t give up anything interesting there either.

“How about o—the Girl of Steel?” she almost called her “our girl,” and she’s pretty sure Alex noticed, but thankfully she doesn’t mention it.

Alex smiles, “She’s good.”

“Better than…before?” 

“Much.”

Alex is particularly short in talking about Kara, so she backs off, “Good.” 

Maggie’s knows how protective Alex is over the people closest to her, but it hits her harder than she thought it would that she is—once again—an outsider to the people that used to be _her_ family too. She chooses to ignore those feelings.

She takes another drink and asks the question they’ve both avoided, “And how about you, Alex Danvers? How are you?”

“I’m good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Maggie believes her. She looks good. She looks happy.

“And you, Maggie Sawyer?”

“I’m good.”

Alex looks suspicious, “Not great?”

“I’m good,” she repeats.

Alex doesn’t press further, “Ok.” 

…

They talk for hours. They talk about everything, while somehow really talking about nothing.

They talk about the song playing overhead, and how National City finally got a Dunkin’ Donuts—and also how everyone realized after a week that Dunkin’ Donuts is not really that great. They talk about upgrades to Alex's alien gun, and recent movie releases, and have a lively, 30 minute debate over whether or not it’s acceptable that 90’s fashion has suddenly come back into style.

At some point they’re the last people in the place, and they should probably get going before they get kicked out.

Alex downs the last of her beer and puts the glass on the table, sliding out of the booth, “Maybe we can…go for a walk?”

Maggie forces herself not to look at her watch. The last time she looked it was after 11PM, and she knew that was at least an hour ago. She should get home to Jamie, but she really doesn’t want this night to end, “A walk sounds nice.”

Alex smiles, and Maggie forgot how that smile could make all her worries go away.

…

They’re only a few blocks from the beach, and they head that way out of habit. 

It’s well after midnight, but on one corner there’s a line of people waiting outside a little storefront that Maggie doesn’t recognize, “What’s going on there?”

Alex’s eyes get wide and she takes Maggie’s hand and drags them into line, “Oh my god! This place opened about a year ago and it’s _the best_. Just…don’t ever tell Kara we came here without her,” she grins.

Maggie mumbles out a promise, but she can’t stop thinking about her hand in Alex’s, and how Alex’s last sentence made it seem like there was a future in which she might see both Danvers sisters again.

“So it’s a bakery that’s only open at night. Which means, mostly this line is full of people crawling home from the bars, _but_ —it’s very convenient for those of us that work off hours. They have fresh-baked cookies, and homemade ice cream, and—and this is what we’re getting—no exceptions—ice cream sandwiches.”

Alex looks like a little kid, and her whole face radiates happiness. She forgot how it felt to be the center of Alex’s attention, how warm and loved and perfect it felt, “I now understand keeping this a secret from Kara,” she laughs, “But I do have one question—”

Alex doesn’t even let her ask it, “ _Yes,_ they have vegan ice cream…” she makes a face, “Gross.”

All Maggie wants to do is kiss her.

…

A little later, sitting on on the sand, in the dark, watching the waves…it feels like four years ago. It feels like so many date nights that ended this way. 

Except this isn’t a date.

They’d finished their ice cream—and Alex wasn’t lying, it was amazing—and they’ve been sitting there for a few minutes in a comfortable silence. She’s surprised how different it feels than the silence that surrounded them at the beginning of dinner.

She doesn’t want to ruin what’s turned out to be a near-perfect evening, but she feels like every second that passes that Alex doesn’t know about Jamie is another second where she’s lying to the woman she loved—and very probably _still_ loves…despite her best efforts not to.

She stands up and starts pacing. She doesn’t mean to start crying, but she can’t help it because this is going to be the moment when she crushes Alex Danvers’ heart again.

“Um…Maggie?”

She holds up her hand and Alex takes the hint. She waits.

They’ve said so much tonight, and after the initial awkwardness, it was so easy to slip back into their old ways. It was effortless, it was comfortable…it was home—at least for Maggie. She wasn’t sure about Alex. 

But she needs to say more. She has to say more. 

Alex deserves the whole truth.

She looks down at her—her kind eyes, her hair blowing gently in the breeze, and she wants to hang on to that picture for another couple seconds.

Her hands are trembling, so she wraps her arms around herself, “Alex, I…I have to tell you something. Something…big. And—”

“Maggie?”

Her name on Alex’s lips still has such a hold on her. She wonders if that’s ever going to go away. It instantly erases the speech she’s just put together in her head, “Yeah?”

She looks embarrassed, and Maggie doesn’t know why until she speaks, “Is it…is it going to ruin…this?”

 _It’s going to ruin everything_ , she thinks. She wipes a tear from her cheek, “Yeah…yeah it is,” she whispers.

Alex nods like she’s taking that into consideration. Maggie opens her mouth again, but she’s cut off, “Can it…wait?”

She wants to say _no._ She wants to say _it’s crushing me._ She wants to say _I’ve wanted to tell you for years, since the day it happened—when I was alone, and scared, and terrified, and the only person I wanted to call was you._

“Yeah. It can wait.”

Alex reaches out her hand and Maggie takes it. She shouldn’t. She shouldn’t let herself be lulled into this false sense of security, but she can’t help it. Even when she knows it’s going to blow up in her face, right now…right now it feels perfect.

She lets Alex pull her back onto the blanket, she lets herself sit close enough that their shoulders touch and their legs touch, and she lets Alex lace her fingers through her own. 

They leave each other with half-promises about keeping in touch, and having dinner again sometime. But even as they're having the conversation, she knows they're both just saying it because it feels like they should.

She has no idea if she’ll see Alex again, and she _did_ want to tell her about Jamie—but if they’re not going to see each other again, then she doesn’t need to know. She doesn’t need to break Alex’s heart to clear her own conscience. 

…

A week or so later, she’s picking Jamie up from school.

“Mama?”

“Yes?”

“Do you know Supergirl?”

Maggie almost chokes, “Supergirl?”

“Yeah.”

She doesn’t know how to explain that to a four-year-old, but she promised herself she’d never lie to her daughter—although she never promised she wouldn’t avoid the question entirely, “Why do you ask?”

“We talked about her in class today. Taylor says that Supergirl is a superhero and she helps people and she stops bad guys.”

She can live with that description, “That’s true.”

“Well you’re a superhero and you help people and you stop bad guys…so you should be friends.”

She takes a moment to dwell on the fact that her daughter just called her a superhero, and it makes her grin. She thinks, “Well…we were friends once, a long time ago.”

“Before me?”

Jamie categorizes most things as “before me” or “after me.” Maggie laughs, “Yes, before you.”

“Is Superman her brother?”

“No, he’s her cousin.”

Jamie squints, “Do I have a cousin?”

“You do not.”

“Do you?”

“Nope.”

Maggie wonders where this line of questioning is headed, but—as is typically the case—there seems to be no direction, “Does Batman have a cousin?”

“I…I have no idea.”

“He probably doesn’t.”

She stifles a laugh.

“What’s for dinner?”

“What do you want?”

“Tacos!”

“Taco Tuesday it is.”

“Yay!”

…

Turns out Maggie was not prepared for Taco Tuesday—she doesn’t have any tortillas, and the chicken they had at the apartment was still frozen. 

She decides if they have to go out to the grocery store, they’re just going out to eat altogether. Plus, after a few years away, there are a handful of restaurants in the city that Maggie misses, and one of them is her favorite Mexican restaurant in the whole world.

It’s a small, family-run place with authentic Mexican food that she loves. Jamie immediately spots the old jukebox in the corner and begs for quarters. After they order, she takes off and starts selecting songs at random.

Maggie takes that time to flip through a few emails on her phone, so she’s not paying attention when people suddenly appear next to her table.

“Maggie?”

She nearly jumps out of her seat.

“Alex! Kara! Hey…” she tries to recover. “It’s good to see you, Kara.”

Thankfully, Kara smiles, “You too. We missed you around here.”

“Yeah, same.”

But it’s then that Alex notices the second glass on the table, and her face falls. “Oh, you’re not—you’re not alone. Sorry. We should go. I just…I saw you and I wanted to say hi…”

“No, Alex. It’s fine. It’s just—”

“Mama?”

Her heart stops. This could not get any worse.

Alex gasps, and Maggie’s insides go cold. She sees Kara grip Alex’s hand, but she can’t look either of them in the eye. She turns to Jamie and tries to make her voice more casual than it wants to be, “What’s wrong?”

Thankfully, Jamie can’t read the tension. “The quarter went in but it won’t play the song,” she pouts.

“Ok. Give me a second. I’ll help you as soon as I’m done talking.”

Jamie looks up at Alex and Kara, “Who are you?”

The kid is a lot of things, but shy is not one of them. “Jamie, this is Alex and Kara. Alex, Kara, this is…” she skips over _my daughter_ , and goes right to “…Jamie.”

And the Danvers girls must be saints, because neither even flinches. She can tell the smiles are forced, but they’re still looking kindly at the little girl in front of them.

“You look like Supergirl.”

Maggie laughs but immediately tries to stop it, Alex’s eyes go wide, and Kara turns a few different shades of crimson, “Um…thank you. I’m—I’m not though. Just…so you know.”

Jamie looks at them suspiciously, “Do you have a cousin?”

Behind Jamie’s back, Maggie shakes her head fiercely. Alex is quicker than Kara, “Nope. We don’t have cousins. We’re sisters though.”

She frowns, “I don’t have a cousin either. Or a sister.”

Maggie puts her hands up. She has no idea where the thoughts of an almost-five-year-old come from, or what she’s going to say next.

Kara kneels down to her level, “Hey, I bet I can help you with the jukebox if you’d like.”

Maggie almost says no, but Kara already has her hand out, and Jamie takes it. She thinks about all the “stranger danger” talks people give to kids, but Kara looks like a kindergarten teacher wrapped in sunshine and cotton candy. She can’t imagine there are a lot kids who see her and sense danger.

“Can I, Mama?”

She tries not to see how the word _mama_ hits Alex, but she does. She sees it and it breaks her heart, but there’s not much she can do about it, “Yeah, go ahead.”

Kara gives her a small smile, but with Jamie out of sight, Alex looks like she wants to run. Or throw up. Maybe both.

“You want to sit?” she offers weakly.

Alex does, but she’s still staring at Kara and Jamie, “So that—that’s the thing. That’s what you were going to tell me.”

Maggie notes that those are statements, not questions. She answers carefully, “Jamie. Yes.”

“Jamie,” Alex whispers. She suddenly turns toward Maggie, “So are you…married?”

“No. Alex _—”_

Her face turns to confusion, “…divorced?”

“No,” she sighs. Of course Alex’s mind goes to marriage first. She told her she never wanted kids, and Alex probably assumes another woman convinced her to have one. She wouldn’t guess the truth is so far from that.

This is neither the time or the place she’d hoped to have this conversation, and it’s too long of a story to tell in the ten minutes before their food gets here. “It’s just the two of us. I—look—this is…complicated. And I want to tell you, I do. Obviously, I tried to…”

“Right. Sorry.” Alex still looks stunned, “I just…there were a lot of things that I thought you might tell me that night, but this…this was _not_ one of them.”

She thinks anger will come after the shock wears off, and she’s not sure how long that’ll take, “I know. It’s a lot. If you want me to tell you now, I will. But…” She takes a chance, because any opportunity to have Alex in her life for a few more minutes—no matter how much it will hurt when she inevitably says goodbye—was worth it, “if you want to…stay…and have dinner? Maybe afterwards we can…” she grins at the thought of giving Alex’s words from the other night right back to her, “Maybe we can go for a walk?”

She sees Alex smile, even though it looks like she tries not to, “Yeah. Ok,” she rolls her eyes, “We’ll go for a walk.”

The server appears and they act like they weren’t in the middle of the second heaviest conversation of their lives. He puts down the two plates of tacos, and Maggie laughs to herself, “Can we get another menu, please? We’re gonna need more tacos.”

Alex snorts, “We’re gonna need _all_ the tacos.”

“I heard that!”

They look over where Kara is staring them down from across the way, and they both laugh. 

Maggie misses this. She misses the Danvers girls. She misses teasing Kara, and ordering enough food for 12 people, and hearing Alex’s laugh, and…so, so much of this. She tries not to think about the tiny balloon of hope that’s filling up in her chest.

…

They make it through dinner fairly easily.

Mostly, they just let Jamie entertain them. Kara and Alex pretend like Jamie being there is the most natural thing in the world, and while she’s grateful for that, it also makes her wonder if Alex’s gotten really good at pushing down her feelings again. 

Maggie’s not shocked how quickly Jamie takes to Kara, but she is shocked when she slips under the table and crawls up on the other side of the booth to whisper a secret in Alex’s ear.

Alex practically melts, and when she whispers something back, Jamie giggles and hugs her neck. Maggie watches Alex hug her without hesitation, and she lets herself think that maybe there’s the tiniest chance they can be friends again.

They all leave together and Maggie turns to Alex hopefully, “So…a walk?”

Alex smirks, “Ok, Sawyer.”

Kara flips Jamie up on her shoulders easily, and makes the bored little sister face she’s perfected over the years, “Can we get ice cream?”

“Mama! Ice cream!”

“Kara!” Alex scolds.

Maggie laughs. Some things never change. “How about ice cream on our way to the park?” 

“Best! Day! Ever!” Jamie yells.

Kara runs down the sidewalk with Jamie giggling on her shoulders, and Maggie takes a deep breath and manages to meet Alex’s eyes. She holds out her hand in an _after you_ gesture.

Alex surprises her by gently taking it and letting their hands drop between them.

She thinks she might die from happiness.

…

When they get to the park, Maggie looks down at Jamie, “Hey sweet girl, go on and play with the other kids. We need to talk about some boring, grown-up stuff, ok?”

Jamie nods, but then looks up at her with those big, green eyes, “Will you play with me later? When you’re done boring talking?”

Maggie laughs, “Yes, when I’m done boring talking.”

She turns to her new friends, “Will you play too?”

Maggie bails them out, “We’ll see, ok? They’re pretty busy so they might not have time. Go on, peanut.”

“Ok…” She takes off toward the swings, and Maggie walks toward an empty picnic table, with Kara and Alex following.

“Um…I can leave so you two can—”

“No.”

Maggie and Alex say it at the same time, and all three of them laugh lightly. 

She doesn’t want Kara to leave because Kara deserves the truth too. She treated her pretty terribly for someone who was supposed to be her sister. She also thinks Alex will need Kara here, and that’s important.

Kara shrugs, “I’ll stay.”

Maggie takes a seat and Alex and Kara sit opposite her. She’s suddenly incredibly nervous, and she wrings her hands because she doesn’t know what else to do with them, “So obviously there’s a lot to talk about…”

“Maggie, we broke up. You don’t owe me an explanation.”

Her voice isn’t harsh, but it’s…sad. She hates how sad she’s made Alex. 

“I want you to know the truth. Coming back here…I always knew there was a chance we’d run into each other.” She laughs a little, “Alex, we _literally_ ran into each other. And I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t expect anything from you, I just…I want you to know. I want you to hear it from me.”

Kara puts an arm around Alex, and they share a look. Eventually Alex nods, “Ok.”

“Ok. Um…but if it’s too much, I’ll stop. Alright?”

They agree to that. She doesn’t want to force them to be here, and she knows this is going to hurt. She hopes they’ll stay though. That’s all she really has left: hope.

“So, after…everything…I cut everyone off.” She looks right at Kara, “I’m sorry about that, kid. I—I had to.”

Alex looks confused, but Kara nods. Maggie wonders if Alex ever knew that Kara had called and texted her so many times after their break-up. So many times, until she realized Maggie was never going to answer. She deserves a more proper apology, but now is not the time. 

“I stayed in National City for about a year. I refused to run away—I was done running—but I realized I was staying for…for you…and that wasn’t right either. It wasn’t fair to either of us. A job came up in Gotham, and I took it.”

The word “Gotham” makes the Danvers’ exchange a look, but neither says anything.

“We were helping them out, overseeing the start-up of their own Science Division. It’s…different there. Less aliens, mostly…I don’t know…insane? It's not important. My job was a lot of paperwork: finding and interviewing the right detectives, sending them to the right kinds of classes, helping them better assess crime scenes of an…unusual nature.

“But besides the insanity, the big guy over there is also battling corruption. At that time, it was the mayor. One night, some gang tried to leverage him by getting information from his secretary. A call came in…but by the time we found her, she was already gone.

“My partner and I were part of the team that responded—we happened to be in the area—but there were others already working the scene. They had been there about an hour. They supposedly cleared the house, but obviously not well enough… All of a sudden, there was screaming.”

She’s going to cry telling this story, and her voice catches in her throat, but she pushes forward and hopes she can make it through.

“Maggie…”

She shakes her head, “No, I’m fine. It’s…it’s fine.

“Anyway, a few minutes later, a cop comes downstairs with this…tiny little girl in his arms.” An image of Jamie then flashes through her head, “God…she was so tiny then…” 

She refocuses on the story, “She was about two, and she was _screaming_. Not just crying, but screaming. We thought she was hurt, but as far as the medics could tell, nothing was wrong. And still, she cried. And screamed. And she wouldn’t stop.”

Maggie has rarely heard Jamie scream like she did that first day, and it always sends her into panic.

“We tried to calm her down. She was handed off to every cop, medic, tech, the neighbors—everyone. We tried everything. At some point it was just…my turn. I vaguely remember being handed a screaming toddler—and I’m not great with kids, as you know—so I put her on my hip and waited for them to take her to the next person.” 

She laughs lightly at the stupid little thing that changed it all, “But then my phone rang.”

Alex tilts her head a little, and Maggie smiles to herself. It’s a habit she definitely picked up from their time together, and it’s kinda cute that she still does it.

“I don’t even remember who called me, but I remember it was a big deal—misplaced evidence or something—something big. I was caught up in the conversation, yelling. It wasn’t until I hung up that I realized I still had the kid on my hip. I had her in my arm, and she wasn’t crying. I had her in my arm, and she was…she was sleeping.”

Alex and Kara are both looking at her warmly—like she did something heroic—but if she’s going to tell the story, she’s going to tell the whole story. 

“Don’t—that—I…I don’t deserve the look you’re both giving me right now.” 

Both of their brows furrow in unison—and any other time it would be funny, but Maggie’s not proud of the next part of this story.

“I stayed with her that first night. It was the only way we could get her to calm down enough to have her checked out at the hospital. But then…then I gave her to the social worker, and I left.”

It takes all her strength to look at Alex right now. And—as she expected—she looks disappointed and maybe even mildly horrified. 

She swallows thickly, “When I told you I didn’t want kids, Alex…I wasn’t lying. I _never_ wanted them.”

Alex nods only once, but Maggie feels awful.

“What changed?”

She looks at Kara, and notices she’s in full-on protective sister mode. It makes her glad that Alex always has her in her corner.

“Uh…my guilt level?” she laughs. “We followed protocol. We looked for living relatives, but she doesn’t have any. Her dad died shortly after she was born. Both parents were only children. And both sets of grandparents were deceased. She went to Child Services and they found her a home. They actually found her three homes. But none of them stuck. She wasn’t…she wasn’t doing well.”

Alex looks skeptical, “So they just gave her to you?”

“Yes and no. I’d been following up on her a little—I’m not totally heartless—and the social worker contacted me after the third family fell through. It took a _lot_ of convincing, but eventually I agreed to take her in temporarily. I was only supposed to foster her. And it helped, I guess. I don’t know…I never saw her with the other families. But according to our case worker it was an improvement.

“It was _not_ easy. There were a lot of bad days—mostly mine—a lot of tears—again, mostly mine—” Kara snorts, and Maggie smirks, “and there was a lot of therapy…for both of us.”

Both Kara and Alex’s expressions seem to soften at that admittance. 

“A year flew by before I knew it, and by then…I don’t know. I taught her the alphabet, read her bedtime stories, took her to ballet, and she…” this thought makes her cry, every time, “she started calling me mama. How could I give her back after that?”

Alex looks like she has a thousand and one follow-up questions, but she can’t decide which one to ask first, “How old is she?”

That’s not the question she was expecting, but it’s an easy one to answer, “She’ll be five right after Christmas.”

Alex says nothing. Kara seems more curious, “Why are you back in National City?”

“Gotham didn’t need me anymore. I got transferred back.”

Alex still says nothing, and Kara appears to be waiting to take her cue from her sister.

“Why tell me?” Alex finally asks. “I mean, I’m glad you did—I guess… But why?”

“Honestly?”

She doesn’t hesitate, “Always.”

She shrugs one shoulder, “It seemed like the right thing to do. Not telling you felt like lying. If we hadn’t seen each other, I wouldn’t have called out of the blue just to drop this on you. But seeing you again…it was so… _easy_. I didn’t know that it would be—and I don’t know if it was for you, of course—but even after everything…I can’t lie to you, Alex. Especially about this.”

Alex stares over her shoulder for a long time, not saying anything. Maggie waits, and eventually Alex finds words again, “I don’t know how to do this. I barely made it four years ago. It…it broke me.” Her face softens slightly, “I probably don’t have to tell you that…” 

She doesn’t have to tell her. It broke her too. She never thought she’d be whole again. And she knows she’s still not completely whole now. 

“I don’t know how to see you, and her, and not…not _feel_ anything.”

“You don’t have to.”

Alex laughs thickly, “Feel anything or see you?”

Maggie smiles at her, “Either. You know now, and I’m glad that you do. And I’m sorry if I overstepped. I don’t know what the rules are for this. For seeing your ex-fiancée after you broke off your engagement because you didn’t want kids, and now you have the kid you said you’d never have. They don’t make that self-help book—believe me, I’ve checked.”

Kara smiles, “That would be oddly specific…”

“Right,” she laughs. “Well…I sure could use it.”

Alex puts her head on Kara’s shoulder, “What am I supposed to do now?”

She answers honestly, “Whatever you want. Being with both of you again, it feels like a lifetime ago, and it feels like no time has passed at all. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“You don’t have to…”

Kara suddenly clears her throat, “Incoming.”

She leans to the side to look over Kara’s shoulder, and sees Jamie coming up behind them. Her and Alex attempt to compose themselves and act casual.

Jamie climbs into Maggie’s lap without a word, but she looks a little off. Maggie brushes her hair back from her face, “Everything ok?”

She tucks her head under Maggie’s chin, “My belly hurts,” she mumbles.

Maggie immediately looks at Kara, but Alex has already elbowed her in the ribs. She tries not to laugh. “You probably ate too much ice cream, peanut.”

Kara looks like she feels bad, “That’s my fault, Jamie. I forgot your belly is a lot smaller than mine. Next time we’ll have to stick to one scoop.”

Even with her over-sugared bellyache, Jamie’s eyes light up, “Tomorrow?”

She steps in before Kara gets roped into a promise she can’t keep, or a promise that will hurt her sister, “Not tomorrow, Jamie. We’ll see when they’re free again, ok?”

“That means never,” she pouts.

Alex and Kara look like they’re trying not to laugh, and Maggie rolls her eyes, “That doesn’t mean ‘never.’ That means, ‘we’ll see.’”

Suddenly Alex’s phone rings. She checks the caller ID and shares a look with Kara that Maggie knows all too well. She knows what she’s going to say before she even says it. 

“We have to go.”

Jamie looks confused, and Maggie gives her a small smile, “Say goodbye, Jamie. They have to go to work.”

“Right now?”

She stands with Jamie on her hip, and Kara wraps them both in one hug, “Afraid so, little one.”

“Little one” warms her heart, and she smiles fondly at the kid she used to call “Little Danvers.”

Alex hesitates, but Jamie reaches an arm out to hug her, and she knows Alex won’t say no to that—no matter how uncomfortable being this close to Maggie is. Her hug is only for Jamie, but Maggie doesn’t mind, “It was nice to meet you, Jamie.”

“Bye Alex.”

Alex pulls away and Maggie repeats her daughters words, but with a little more weight behind them, “Bye, Alex.”

She pauses for half a second, and Maggie thinks she’s going to say something, but she just nods slightly before they rush off down the street.

“Mama?”

She forces herself to look away from where the Danvers’ sisters just disappeared around a corner, “Yeah?”

“I like them.”

“Me too.”

“Can we see them again soon?”

“I hope so.”

...

A week later, she’s at her desk and there’s a knock at her office door. She answers without looking up, “Come in.”

“Maggie?”

She was not expecting Kara to be standing in the doorway, “Oh. Hey, come in.”

She does and she closes the door behind her, “Sorry to show up unannounced.”

“It’s fine. Is everything ok? Is this a…work thing?” She can’t think of a reason for Kara to be here unless it’s for a story or Supergirl-related.

She shakes her head, “No, no. Nothing like that. I just…I didn’t have your phone number and I didn’t know where you lived…” she seems captivated by the things in Maggie’s office. 

She takes a seat in the chair across from Maggie’s desk, staring at the wall, her desk, her new nameplate: _Captain Maggie Sawyer_. She points to it, “Congrats.”

This whole thing is weird. “Thanks…”

Kara’s eyes are suddenly glued to a picture on the bookcase behind Maggie, “Is that _James_?”

Damn. She forgot that picture was there. But there’s no use pretending it’s not, “Uh…yeah. It is.”

“But she’s—I mean, Jamie is… _little_. She’s—”

“Three,” she finishes the sentence for her. “It was her third birthday.”

“And James is there? In Gotham?”

“…yes.”

She can see the hurt on Kara’s face, “I wasn’t allowed to talk to you after…after everything, but you guys stayed friends? I lost my _sister_ , but James…he knew?”

The word “sister” cuts like a knife. She always considered Kara a little sister, even though their relationship was…rough. She was important to her—she still is.

“It wasn’t like that. I shut him out too—all of you, I had to and I’m sorry for that. But…we ran into each other…later. Our friendship came after that.”

“All this time. I can’t believe he knew and you…you…” she trails off and Maggie’s not sure what’s she was going to say, but it’s pretty evident she’s once again disappointed a Danvers.

“I’m sorry, Kara. I couldn’t.”

“Couldn’t _what_ Maggie? Couldn’t talk to me? Couldn’t say goodbye? Couldn’t—”

“I couldn’t take you from her.”

Kara opens her mouth and then shuts it again. “That’s not how it works.”

“Come on, Kara,” she scoffs. “There was no way that you would’ve been on my side after we broke up.”

“There weren’t sides…”

“There are always sides. Maybe not right or wrong, but there are still sides. How would we have stayed friends—sisters—after all of that? You’re hers, Kara. You need her, and she needs you.”

She crosses her arms across her chest, “And you never did.”

That’s a suckerpunch. She slumps back in her chair, “I don’t know,” she admits. “Maybe I didn’t need you, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want you. I wanted you in my life. I loved you. I still do…love you. You’re the little sister I never had—and maybe never asked for—but I care about you, Kara. I always have.”

She can feel Kara staring at her, but she can’t meet her gaze. She rubs her temples. She really did not need this today. So much happened at the park, and now she has Jamie constantly asking about her “new friends,” and she never knows what to tell her. It’s too much.

Kara’s voice is quiet, “You love her too, don’t you?”

Her eyes flick up, and she answers half-truthfully, “I—I will probably always love her, Kara.”

Kara shakes her head, “No, Maggie—you’re _in_ love with her. You still are.”

She stares at her for a long time. Of course she is. She always has been. But Alex has lived a life here for the last four years. She hasn’t been waiting for Maggie. Maggie hasn’t really been waiting for Alex either, but with how quickly Jamie came into her life, she never really moved on. She went on a few dates, but never anything serious. It was hard to forget a love like the one she had with Alex. Healthy or not, it was the standard she measured any potential relationship against. No one ever came close.

But she can’t tell Kara that. “I’m not.”

“You’re lying.”

She rolls her eyes, “Is this what you came down here for?”

Kara smirks, “No, but this is way more fun…”

Great. “Let it go, Kara.”

She leans forward and props her elbows on the opposite side of Maggie’s desk, staring right at her—or, more accurately—right through her, “I know I’m right about this.”

“Let it _go_ , Kara.”

She sighs dramatically and falls back into her chair, “Whyyyyy?” she whines.

“Because it’s none of your business, for starters.”

“Except it _is_.”

“It really is not.”

“It is!” she insists.

Right now she reminds Maggie of Jamie when she doesn’t get her way. No wonder whining was one aspect of parenting Maggie instantly felt prepared to handle. “Why are you pushing this so hard? It’s been years. We’re different people. We’ve moved on.”

“You haven’t.”

“I have.”

“ _Liar_.”

“Kara…” she warns.

“She’s still in love with you too, Maggie. How can you not see it?!”

It’s her turn to gape like a fish. She’s genuinely shocked, “What? _No_. I mean, sure, we had fun that time we went out. But now? She could hardly look at me the other day—deservedly so. All this? My life? It’s a lot.”

Kara is looking at her like she’s an idiot, and Maggie hates that look. Especially when part of her thinks Kara might be right. 

“Maggie, if you didn’t still love her, you wouldn’t care about her knowing or not knowing about Jamie. And if she didn’t still love you, she wouldn’t have stayed through a whole dinner, and gone for ice cream, _and_ sat in the park while you recapped the past four years of your life. Come on, _Detective_ …” she taunts.

Little shit. But she’s not giving in yet, “It’s Captain now, actually…”

Kara smirks, “Right. My bad.”

She’d told herself that Alex was just being polite. And sure, when she took her hand, it felt like the possibility of more. But the way they’d left each other, it didn’t feel like more, it felt like she’d broke Alex’s heart again. 

“I appreciate the optimism, Kara, I really do. But we can’t go back to what we were.”

“So go…forward!” she stutters. 

Maggie raises an eyebrow, “Huh?”

“Yeah, ok. Not my best…” she laughs. “Look, I agree with you. I don’t think you can go back to how it was, but…don’t you want to see if you can be together again? It’s not about what happened before, it’s about what can happen _now_.”

It’s too much to think about at her desk, in her office, in the middle of a Thursday afternoon. She’s not ready for this. A part of her has wants this—wants Alex—forever. But another part of her is content with her life and what it’s become. Maybe there are some lonely moments, but she has Jamie, and their life is good.

She can’t do this now. She tells Kara as much, “Please drop it?”

“But Maggie…”

“Kara, I’m begging you,” she pleads. “Not now.”

She doesn’t look angry, but she looks defeated, “Sure, ok. Consider it dropped.”

“Thank you.”

Kara grabs her bag off the floor and stands up, “Um…I should go. It was…it was good to see you again. Tell Jamie I said hi.”

She gets to the door and Maggie remembers the beginning of the conversation, “Wait—”

She does, and Maggie grabs a business card from her desk and scribbles on the back of it, “Address and phone number.”

Kara takes it hesitantly, “You don’t have to—”

“I want to. Any time, ok?”

She nods, “Yeah. Ok.”

Maggie remembers something else. She tilts her head, “Wait—why did you come here in the first place? You never said…”

“Oh. Right.” She reaches in her bag and hands Maggie a small white envelope, “Happy birthday, Maggie,” she says quietly.

Maggie starts crying before the envelope even touches her hands, but Kara has her in a hug a second later.

“You remembered my birthday?” she mumbles.

Kara shrugs and pulls away gently, “Yeah, well…”

She wipes a few tears from her cheek and catches her breath, “You’re something else, kid.”

Kara blushes slightly, and opens the door, “See ya later, Maggie.”

“Thank you, Kara.”

She nods and disappears out of the precinct. Maggie almost opens the card right then, but she’s done enough crying in her office for one day. She slips it in her bag for later.

…

She gets tied up in case that comes in toward the end of her shift, so she doesn’t get home until after 8.

When she opens the door of the apartment, there’s a cake on the table and takeout from her favorite Thai place. There’s also a giant poster hanging on the wall next to the table that says “Happy Birthday Mama!” with balloons, and a cake, and little stick figures at the bottom, all scribbled in crayon. 

It’s not until she looks closer that she realizes there are six people on the bottom. The first three it’s pretty safe to say are her, Jamie, and James. The next one looks like it’s probably Jamie’s friend Anna, and she can only tell because she drew her as small as Jamie and with Anna’s thick, round glasses that are pretty distinctive. The next two are women: one with red hair and one with blonde hair and glasses. Maggie sighs and shakes her head. 

James appears in the hallway and looks half-asleep.

“Rough night?” she smirks.

“We fell asleep watching _The Princess & the Frog_. I just put her to bed.”

“Thanks. And thank you for watching her last minute.”

He shrugs, “That’s what godfathers are for, right?”

“Right,” she grins. “Sorry I didn’t make it home for the, uh…” she gestures to the table and poster, “party.”

“Oh…well she wanted to get you a cake, but she insisted on making it herself. She was a little bummed that you had to work late, but,” he winces slightly, “I promised her you’d let her have cake for breakfast, and that seemed to make it all ok.”

“Olsen!” she laughs, “You’re such a pushover.”

He picks up his jacket and pulls her into a hug, “Yeah, well…takes one to know one.”

She puts her forehead against his chest, and he kisses the top of her head, “Happy birthday, Maggie.”

“Thanks.”

He leaves, and she throws some tin foil over the cake that apparently will be their breakfast tomorrow, and puts the Thai food in the fridge too.

She goes down the hall and stops in the doorway of Jamie’s room, where she’s asleep and buried under her blankets, with at least four stuffed animals around her. She kisses her forehead, whispers good night, and slips across the hall to her own room.

After she showers and changes, she pulls the little white envelope out of her bag and sits on the edge of her bed to read it **:**

> _Happy Birthday Maggie!_
> 
> _I hope you have an amazing day and all your birthday wishes come true._
> 
> _I’m really glad your back in town. I’ve missed your hugs, and your horrible taste in ice cream, and your excellent taste in music, and all the cooking lessons you gave me—even though I failed every single one (it’s my oven, I swear. I can cook!)._
> 
> _Mostly I miss having you as my sister and my friend. Don’t be a stranger._
> 
> _I love you,_  
>  _Kara_

She reads it once through tears, so she reads it a second time too. She puts it back in it’s envelope, and in the drawer on her nightstand, and lies awake thinking over Kara’s words.

…

She’s not sure when she falls asleep, but eventually she must, because she’s woken up by a tiny elbow to the ribcage, “Mama?”

She blinks awake and Jamie is lying at her side, hugging her little blanket tight. She wraps an arm around her and kisses her forehead, closing her eyes again, “Hey, peanut.”

She burrows further into Maggie’s chest, “Mama?”

Maggie refuses to open her eyes. It’s still dark out and her alarm hasn’t gone off, so it must be early, “Yeah?”

“Can I have my cake for breakfast now? Uncle Jimmy said I could.”

Maggie laughs, “That depends. What time is it?”

Suddenly there are elbows and knees on her chest, and she tightens her stomach to keep them from digging into her organs. She forgot her alarm clock is on the other side of her bed, and Jamie is now crawling across her to see what it says.

“Nine five,” she says confidently.

She also forgot that Jamie can’t read an analog clock. “Nine five…” she tries to put that together in her head, but it’s too early for math. “Where’s the big hand?”

“Nine.”

Ok. Quarter til something. Either 4:45AM or 5:45AM. She really hopes it’s the first one, because that means she gets to sleep longer, “Is the little hand before or after the five?”

“Uh…before.”

Perfect. “You can have cake for breakfast, but right now you need to go back to sleep. It’s very early. You can stay here, or you can go to your own bed.”

“Ok!”

As Maggie expected she would, she stays. She unceremoniously tears the covers off of Maggie and slides underneath them, curling into a little ball in her side, “It’s chilly, Mama!”

No kidding. She fumbles for the edge of the blankets in the dark to cover them both up. “Well we better get covered up!”

…

The next day, she is exhausted. She stayed awake too long thinking about Kara and—eventually, of course—Alex. Then after Jamie woke her up, she proceeded to kick her in her sleep until Maggie eventually gave up and decided she was up for the day.

She gave Jamie her cake for breakfast, as promised, and she spent ten minutes going over her poster design in full detail, just to make sure Maggie didn’t miss any of the important things she’d included on it.

She drops her off at school, and stops by Noonan’s on her way to the precinct. It’s definitely an extra coffee morning.

She places her order and rounds the corner to wait for her name to be called, and of course—there is Alex Danvers, with her nose buried in some kind of thick, science-looking textbook. If she were a betting woman, she’d put money on Alex’s breakfast being only half-eaten, and her coffee being nearly full and ice cold. She’s remembers finding her buried in a book on more than one occasion, and how it’s an all-consuming experience.

She grabs her coffee from the barista before her name can be called, and slips her a five dollar bill, “Another coffee for the woman at the corner table.” 

The barista smiles and nods, and Maggie puts a few more dollars in the tip jar. She slips out the door before Alex’s training kicks in, and she feels her eyes on her.

She makes it about two blocks before her phone buzzes: _Thanks for the coffee._

Of course she noticed. She laughs to herself: _No problem. Looked like you forgot about the first one._

She watches the three little dots appear and disappear a few times, like Alex isn’t sure if or how to respond. A few blocks later, it buzzes again, and she slips her phone out of her pocket: _Happy belated birthday._

She can’t help the warmth that spreads through her chest—just like she can’t help the fact that Kara’s words ring through her ears: _She’s still in love with you too…how can you not see it?_  

She shakes the thought out of her head before answering simply: _Thanks, Alex._

…

December arrives before Maggie is remotely prepared for it, and between the holiday madness that fills the city, and the holiday madness that fills the precinct, she feels like she doesn’t have time to breathe. 

A couple weeks in, she takes a much needed three-day weekend. She promises Jamie they can go ice skating, but she’s grateful for a weekend where they don’t really have anything to do.

On Friday, Jamie is at school and Maggie plans on doing all of her Christmas shopping. There’s really not much—only James and Jamie—but it’s hard to get anything for Jamie, because she’s always at her side.

She’s standing in the toy store, trying to decide between Connect 4 and Chutes & Ladders.

“Definitely Connect 4.”

The voice is so familiar, and when she looks to her left, Alex is walking closer, smiling back at her.

They haven’t spoken since the day after her birthday, but she’s standing beside her like it’s the most normal thing in the world. She can live with that, “You think so?”

“Absolutely.”

Maggie puts Chutes & Ladders back on the shelf and tosses the Connect 4 into her cart. She never would’ve expected to run into her in a toy store, “Not a place I thought I’d see you…”

“Oh, well…” she holds up a Lego box.

Maggie squints, “Is that the Guggenheim?”

“Winn,” she offers as explanation.

“Nerd,” Maggie snorts.

Alex laughs and she is a goner. She was pretty sure after their first dinner, and more so after the near-disasterous Taco Tuesday, but even after all the weird back-and-forth…she is definitely falling in love with Alex Danvers…again.

She can’t help it, and part of her doesn’t want to—it’s complicated and it’s messy—but that laugh is everything, and her whole body relaxes in her presence.

“Are you off today?” Alex asks hesitantly.

“All weekend.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yeah,” Maggie shifts slightly, but she’s can’t make herself leave this spot. She can’t make herself say goodbye again. Alex is going to have to do it first.

But she doesn’t, “Do you…uh…have more shopping to do?”

She’s surprised and her face probably shows it, “Um, yeah. Hard to be Santa when the kid is always around…”

“Right…” Alex frowns slightly.

Their standoff in the board game aisle is officially awkward. She doesn’t know what else to say.

“Hey, how’s—”

“Do you want—”

They start talking at the same time and cut each other off. She laughs, “You first.”

“Oh…” Alex blushes, and it’s adorable. “I was just wondering if…I mean…you don’t have to, but maybe—maybe we could…shop together?”

Free time with another adult has now become a thing she cherishes, but free time with no kid when that other adult is Alex? It sound like the best and worst idea ever. But…Alex suggested it… 

She decides to try and push down any romantic feelings and focus on the friendship they had when they first met. So just to be a bit of a smartass, she checks her watch.

“Oh. Unless you have to go, I mean…sorry. I should go…”

Shit. Not for that reason. She hopes her voice comes out more confident than she feels, “Nope, I just…” she tilts her chin a little, and flashes a dimple, “did you eat breakfast?”

Alex mouth opens and closes again, “…breakfast?”

“Yeah, Danvers.” She pushes the cart forward until they’re shoulder to shoulder. Alex gulps and she tries not to think about what that means, “I have a lot of shopping to do, and I know you get cranky if you go without snacks for too long…”

Alex is caught between laughing and being offended, “I do _not_ get cranky.”

She relaxes a little, and tells herself she can do this. They can be friends like they were before. Also, she knows she’s 100% accurate on Alex’s need for snacks, and enjoys watching Alex get defensive, “Um…yes you do. You and your sister have that in common.”

“ _Not_ nice,” she pouts.

“Truth hurts.” She walks to the end of the game aisle and tilts her head for Alex to follow, “Well, come on, Danvers. What do you know about dragons?”

Now she’s definitely confused Alex, and she watches her eyebrows knit together, “Dragons?”

Maggie nods, “Dragons, Disney Princesses, and BB-8. Do you know about BB-8?”

“A well-rounded girl,” she grins, “and of course I know BB-8. You’ve met Winn, right?”

She laughs, “That’s right.”

Alex drops her box of Legos into Maggie’s cart, and for some reason that little thing makes her stomach do a flip.

“But—” Alex’s voice gets serious, “does Jamie know about BB-9E?”

Maggie fakes offense, “Not in my house, Danvers. Resistance fighters only. Honestly, woman…you should know better.”

Alex honest-to-goodness throws her head back in laughter, and Maggie’s heart swells—even as Alex gets a mischievous look in her eye, “Who’s the nerd now, Sawyer?”

She’s got her there. She points a finger at Alex’s chest, “You ever tell Winn about this, and I will take you down with me. You got it?”

She grins, “Got it.”

…

They spend close to two hours in the toy store, and it’s entirely Alex’s fault.

She’d always considered herself a pretty laid-back and fun parent, but it’s clear now that she is no match for Alex Danvers. As she’s going through the aisles, trying her best to remember things that Jamie’s mentioned wanting, Alex is testing out every toy she can get her hands on.

She disappears around corners and reappears with things “Jamie needs.” Including a Power Rangers mask, Wonder Woman’s sword, a tiara, a Nerf gun that is probably bigger than Jamie, a stuffed giraffe that is _definitely_ bigger than Jamie, and finally—a longboard, that Alex easily glides up beside Maggie on.

That one gives her more feelings she should probably be having, but it looks _so good_ on Alex. She knew she could surf—and she grew up in California, so skateboarding shouldn’t be a shock—but it was a skill she did not know Alex possessed. Plus she finds the whole look… _very_  attractive.

She momentarily forgets to breath and hopes Alex doesn’t notice. 

“Jamie needs this,” she calls, skating effortlessly past Maggie.

“Not until she’s 25…” she mutters to herself.

Alex looks over her shoulder, “What’s that?”

“Nothing,” she says too quickly. “And no way. Looks good on you, though…”

Alex grins and turns the corner. She continues to ride the longboard through half of the store, alternating between doing loops around the aisles and grabbing on to the side of the cart while Maggie pushes her along. 

Eventually they turn a corner, and a little kid looks up at her like he suddenly got a great idea. She immediately hops off and picks up the longboard, her cheeks turning red, “Oops…”

She goes to put it back, and Maggie is still laughing when she shows up a minute later.

“You’re a bad influence, Danvers,” she teases.

…

They decide to go to lunch, but neither wants to be in the mall for a minute longer. Maggie’s apartment is close, and they walk back so she can hide all the stuff she bought, making idle chitchat about the holidays on their way.

When she opens up the door to the apartment, she immediately wishes she would’ve cleaned up a bit before she left this morning. Although never in her life would she have imagined this is how the day would go.

She wants to put all the toys in her room, far from where Jamie will look, but she suddenly can’t find any words. “Wait here” seems weird, but “follow me” sounds a little presumptuous. She freezes in the middle of the kitchen, suddenly feeling like a stranger in her own apartment.

Alex watches her for a second, then something catches her eye over her shoulder, and she walks slowly toward the wall behind Maggie.

She turns around and realizes she’s looking at the birthday poster that’s still up on the wall, even though her birthday is over.

“Is that…?”

Oh, right. “Uh…yeah, that’s you and Kara. She really likes you guys. Asks about you all the time.”

Alex smiles fondly, “And that’s James, right?”

Oops. “Right. Did…Kara tell you about that?”

She half-shrugs one shoulder, “A little.”

Maggie tries to think of an explanation—any explanation—but Alex turns to face her, and she’s inches away, and her entire mind goes blank. Then Alex’s reaches out and brushes the hair from her face, and her hand doesn’t leave Maggie’s cheek. 

She's not sure who moved first, but in an instant, her hands are on Alex’s cheeks, and Alex’s hands are on her waist and in her hair, and…and… _this is a very bad idea._

She pulls away slowly and forces herself to back up a couple steps, “Alex…we shouldn’t,” she breathes.

“I know,” she whispers, “I just…I’ve wanted to…”

“I know,” Maggie repeats. And she does. She knows. She’s wanted this too, and for way too long. “We should talk about this.”

Alex nods her head a couple times, then slowly reaches out to grab at the hem of Maggie’s shirt. Her fingertips graze her stomach, and her muscles twitch involuntarily. 

“Or we could…talk…later?”

She’s not actually pulling Maggie closer, but she might as well be, “Later?” she gulps.

Alex’s eyes are on her, and she raises an eyebrow, “…after?”

Did she just…? “A—after?” Maggie stutters.

The heat and the want in Alex’s eyes disappears, and she’s not sure how she did it so quickly, but she’s looking at her in a totally different way than she was a second ago—more careful, cautious, “Only if you want.”

She can’t answer fast enough, “Yes. Later. After.”

…

It’s later…after…and they’re half-dressed, sitting in the middle of Maggie’s bed, tangled in the sheets and eating peanut butter sandwiches—because they definitely didn’t make it anywhere for lunch.

And where she thought doing this would be heavy and serious, it turned out to be surprisingly light. They laughed off the awkwardness early-on, and melted into the more familiar touches—because some things hadn’t changed at all. 

Now they’re swapping stories of the last four years like friends catching up over coffee, and it’s strange how it doesn’t hurt like she thought it might. 

“Wait, wait—an _assassin_?”

Alex blushes and puts a hand on her forehead, “Yeah…I didn’t know that until after…” she laughs. “Kara still won’t let me live that down.”

Maggie laughs, “Good girl.”

“Her or me?” Alex laughs.

She thinks about that, “Both, I guess,” she grins.

Actually naked and emotionally naked are two very different things—and she’s admittedly better at the first one—but with Alex, it’s easy to be both. She doesn’t have to pretend to be anything but herself.

“There was one long-term relationship, but…” she shrugs, “it didn’t work out.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

Alex arches a questioning eyebrow.

“Ok. I’m not sorry _right_ this second…” she admits, “But I am sorry. I only ever wanted you to be happy, Alex.”

“You too.”

She doesn’t want to press, but she’s curious, “What happened?”

Alex shrugs, “Nothing, really. It was good. It stayed good, but it…I don’t know…it was never _great_ , you know? It was missing…something.”

She frowns, “That’s a bummer.”

Alex traces patterns along Maggie’s thigh, looking like she wants to say something, but she’s not sure if she should. She wonders for the second time if she was right the other day, if she’s gotten good at pushing down her feelings again.

“Hey,” she breaks Alex’s concentration, “what is it?” she tries to keep her tone light.

“Are—are you happy?”

She grins with both dimples, “Right now? Absolutely.”

Alex laughs, “Ok, right. But…not just now. Like…in general. With everything. With…being a mom?”

Maggie considers that, “Yeah. I am.”

She can’t read the look on Alex’s face, so she makes sure there’s no room for misinterpretation. 

“I’m happy with being a mom…now,” she clarifies. “I wasn’t at first. I wasn’t…before,” she says carefully, “as much as I wanted to be…for you…for us.”

Alex doesn’t look upset at that statement, but curious.

“It took me a long time to be this way. Early on, I was just keeping her alive, more or less. I cared about her, sure…but I didn’t _get it_. I felt like a babysitter, not a parent.” 

She thinks about all the mistakes she made along the way, and how awkward is was in the beginning, and laughs, “If you want some stories, you should talk to James…”

Alex smiles a little, but her eyes are sad, “Do you ever regret it?”

“Not anymore.”

“But you did?”

“Sure,” she’s not embarrassed to admit that. She can own up to her shortcomings. “A lot of times—especially early on. And until I was faced with moment of truth—the moment I had to choose between making her adoption official or letting her go—I didn’t think I would do it. I never thought about it being permanent.” 

Alex laces her fingers through hers, and squeezes her hand a little. It makes her brave.

“Remember when I told you that I went to therapy?”

“Yeah.”

“It was about Jamie, mostly. And me, of course…but it was…it was sometimes about you.”

“Me?”

She smiles, “I hadn’t dealt with us, not really. And having Jamie in my life made me wonder, every single day, why I let you go. I kept thinking how much better at being a mom you would be, and how much better off Jamie could be with someone like you…”

Alex rubs her thumb against Maggie’s palm, “…obviously that’s not true.”

She blushes, “Yeah, I didn’t know that then…but you know what else I eventually realized?”

“What’s that?”

“I don’t think we would’ve made it.”

That makes Alex pause. She’s not surprised.

“Alex, if I’d promised you kids, and we had one…all the fear and self-doubt and apathy I had about being a parent would’ve ruined us. And you being _so_ good at it—because we both know you would be,” she smiles at her, “That would’ve just magnified how horrible I felt. I don’t know if we could’ve survived that.”

She does not expect Alex to pull her close and kiss her, but she does.

“What’s that for?”

“Just because,”Alex grins. “And you’ve changed, Maggie Sawyer.”

She tilts her head, “Good change…?”

“Good change,” she confirms.

“I feel the same as ever…” she shrugs.

“You are.”

She squints, “Now I’m confused.”

Alex laughs, “I don’t know, exactly. You’re still you. More or less, exactly like I remember you. But it’s like…she’s softened you.”

She considers that, “Maybe…”

Alex scoots closer until she can wrap both arms around Maggie, and she mimics her, doing the same to Alex.

“This conversation? You did this, all on your own. You talked to me about yourself and your feelings…and that never came easily to you before. Maybe it wasn’t Jamie, maybe it was therapy, or something else entirely—but she _has_ changed you. For good, as far as I can tell.”

She can feel the heat on her cheeks, but she can’t stop it. She _does_ feel mostly the same, but she sees Alex’s point. She always kept her feelings close to her chest, but with Jamie, it was like a piece of her heart was out there walking around for everyone to see. 

She couldn’t hide her feelings with Jamie. She always made sure she knew she was loved, and important, and safe—and that meant changing the part of her that kept everything vulnerable hidden away from the rest of the world.

“You calling me soft, Danvers?

“I am. But it looks good on you.”

She arches an eyebrow and grins, “You wanna know what _I_ think looks good on me…?”

Alex looks her up and down, and her stomach flips. 

“What’s that?” she teases.

…

She and Alex left each other, making sure they were on the same page: they weren’t trying to go back to what they were, but they wanted to see each other again. They weren’t dating, just…seeing how things went. Taking it slow. Keeping it casual.

She was fine with that. She wanted to see Alex, but she wasn’t ready to unpack everything they should if they were looking to make this…whatever it was…real again. 

If she was honest with herself, her feelings were already well past anything that could be considered casual—but she could do it. She would be casual. 

No matter how hard James laughed at her when she told him.

The next day, her and Jamie take the day off. They stay in their pajamas, bake cookies, and watch Christmas movies. Combined with yesterday, it’s easily the best weekend Maggie’s had in a long time.

After dinner, she promised Jamie they would go ice skating. She’s been begging all day, but Maggie made her wait until dusk, because the outdoor rink is prettier under the Christmas lights.

“Mama, why do I need gloves? It’s not cold outside.”

She has a point. It’s December, but it’s also Southern California, “If you fall, you’re going to land on a giant ice cube. You don’t want your hands to freeze.”

“I’m gonna fall?!”

“Hopefully not,” she laughs.

“Is it hard to ice skate?”

Maggie has no idea. She grew up in the cold tundra of Nebraska, and doesn’t actually remember learning how to ice skate, she just…can, “I think you’ll be ok.”

“But you won’t let go of me, right?”

“Not unless you’re ready.”

“Is Uncle Jimmy coming?”

She picks her up and sets her on the table to start putting on her shoes, “Nope. He’s busy today.”

“Can Anna come?”

“We asked her, but she has a birthday party. Remember?”

“Oh…What about Kara and Alex?”

Maggie freezes, “I think they’re busy.”

“Did you call them too?”

“I—I did not.”

“Can I call them?”

“Uh…I don’t think…” she stutters. She hates lying to Jamie, but she doesn’t have a good excuse this time. Ice skating is casual, right? It seems…casual.

“Please please pleeeeeassee?” she begs.

Maggie sets her back on the floor, “Go get your coat.”

Jamie runs down the hall and Maggie types out a text as fast as she can: _I’m sorry. She begged me. You don’t have to._

She hits send and Jamie’s already back and wearing her coat, “Can I now?”

“Alright.” She dials Alex’s number and hands the phone to Jamie—who immediately walks to the other side of the room and plops down on the couch like a teenager. Maggie rolls her eyes, _this kid_. 

“Hello? Is Alex there?”

Ok, well that’s adorable. The only people Jamie calls on the phone are James, her friend Anna, and occasionally Maggie at the precinct. So she doesn’t really understand that when she called Alex, she was really only going to get Alex.

Maggie listens in on the half of the conversation she can hear.

“Jamie.”

“We’re going ice skating! Can you come?”

“Me and mama.”

“No.”

“Yes!”

“Can Kara come?”

“Ok.”

She looks over at Maggie, “Mama when are we leaving?”

“Pretty soon.”

“She says pretty soon,” Jamie repeats.

“Ok!”

That sounded enthusiastic.

“Oh! And bring gloves. Because if you fall, your going to land on a giant ice cube and you don’t want your hands to freeze!”

Maggie laughs and Jamie runs back to her with the phone. She goes to put it to her ear, but she hung up already. She slips it back in her pocket, “What did she say?”

“She says yes. She’s gonna meet us there.”

Maggie starts shutting of the lights and grabbing her things, “How about Kara?”

“No. She has to go to some cat place.”

She pauses, “A cat place?”

Jamie just shrugs. 

…

In the middle of downtown, they’ve rigged an outdoor ice skating rink—even though it’s about 55°F outside. But at night, under the Christmas lights, and next to the big tree in the center of the square, it looks magical. It’s not Rockefeller Center, but it’s nice.

Alex is waiting for them on one of the benches and Jamie takes off running as soon as she sees her.

“Alex!”

She scoops her up without hesitation and twirls her around as Jamie giggles. 

And Maggie’s feelings are very far past casual. Casual has officially left the building. 

She doesn’t know what to do except stand there and stare. The small part of her brain that’s still functioning wishes she’d taken a picture.

She manages to get it together by the time they walk up beside her. 

“No Kara?”

Alex looks almost…disappointed, “Oh…no. It’s the CatCo Christmas party,” she says.

“Some cat place,” she laughs to herself. 

“Huh?”  

“Nothing. Never mind…”

They rent skates and change out of their shoes, and Maggie makes sure to lace Jamie’s up pretty tight so she doesn’t break an ankle.

Turns out Alex is the one she should’ve checked on.

Within a few minutes, Jamie is shuffling slowly across the ice. Her balance is pretty good, and if she keeps a hand on the wall, she can stay upright. Alex is…less ok—and Maggie is crying from laughing so hard.

“Sawyer, I swear…” Alex groans.

She can’t help it. “You look like Bambi,” she laughs.

Alex wobbles and nearly falls, but Maggie grabs under her arms before she hits the ice.

Even Jamie starts giggling, “Alex! It’s not hard. You just have to go slow. Like this!”

Bless her heart, Alex swallows all the four-letter words Maggie knows are at the ready, and even smiles, “Show me again. I’ll watch closer.”

She does not watch closer, because when Maggie pulls her to her feet, she’s staring her down, “Stop. Laughing.”

Maggie tries. She really does. But a minute later, she turns to check on Jamie, and hears a yelp behind her—and Alex is sitting on the ice again.

She turns around and tries to compose herself in the few feet before she gets to Alex. She reaches out her hands, “What am I gonna do with you, Ally—”

Alex freezes at the word and Maggie does too, “Uh—Alex. Sorry, I—I meant to say Alex…”

She slowly takes Maggie’s hands, and the look in her eyes could melt the whole rink, “It’s ok.”

Maggie looks up and Jamie seems to be fine, scooting along at a glacial pace a few feet ahead of them. She gestures toward the wall, “Over here.”

She kneels down and reties Alex’s skates, “Haven’t you ever gone ice skating before?”

“Yes,” she says defensively. Maggie gives her a questioning look, “Ok, it was high school. But still—I don’t remember it being this hard…”

“Mama!”

Maggie turns around and Jamie is waving from across the way with a big grin on her face.

They both wave back. “Be careful!” she yells. She finishes retying the skates and stands up, holding out her hand, “Ready?”

Alex hates not being good at things, and she makes a face, but she takes her hand, “Ready.”

Two steps later and Alex is grasping at Maggie’s arm with both hands. She has to stop before she pulls her down too, “You have to _relax_ , Alex.”

“I’m _trying_.”

Maggie pries Alex’s hands off of her and carefully puts one arm around her waist, and one hand on her ribcage, “This ok?”

Alex nods.

“Ok. Breathe, Alex.” She does. Maggie takes the hand from her ribs, but keeps the other one on her lower back. “I know you can balance, I’ve seen you on a skateboard.”

“It was a longboard—and this is not the same.”

She laughs, “Longboard, of course. And no it’s not, but you still have balance. Follow my lead.”

They start slowly, but eventually she gets the hang of it. There are a few slip-ups, but Alex doesn’t hit the ice again. They even manage to catch up with Jamie, who’s been scooting along fearlessly in front of them.

Twenty minutes later, and Alex is a pro. Maggie’s a little jealous.

“Ok, you had to be faking it, because it’s not fair that you can be this good in twenty minutes.”

Alex speeds past her with a grin, but as she nears the turn, she comes to a near-stop, and then proceeds to make the slowest turn Maggie’s ever seen—but she looks so proud of herself.

She stops in front of her, “There’s the Bambi I remember,” she laughs.

Alex’s eyes meet hers, and for a second, Maggie wonders if she’s too close. And for a few seconds, she wonders if she could kiss right here, right now.

Then there’s a clatter and crying, and it breaks their trance. Maggie knows that cry very well. She immediately starts looking for Jamie.

She spots her sitting in the far corner of the rink, tangled up with a slightly bigger kid wearing a hockey jersey—and there’s blood on her face.

She’s at her side in seconds, assessing the damage. She looks fine—scared and crying, but physically fine—the blood is from a small cut on her lip, but nothing serious.

The bigger kid looks just as scared, “I’m sorry! I tried to stop, but then she turned when I turned, and I couldn’t—” he rambles.

She picks up her daughter, but pauses a second to look at the other kid, “Are you ok?”

“I—yeah. I’m ok.”

“Ok. It’s ok. It was an accident. It happens,” she tries to keep her voice calm for both kids sake, “I’m gonna go clean her up.”

“I’m sorry…” he mumbles.

“I know.” She tries to smile at him, but she really doesn’t care. All she cares about is getting Jamie off the ice.

She carries her off and sits on one of the surrounding benches, carefully looking over her daughter’s face. She’s got a fat lip, but that’s about it.

She wipes the tears off her cheeks, and then grabs some tissues from her pocket to wipe off the dried blood on her lip.

“I’m bleeding?!” she whimpers.

“No, baby,” she kisses her forehead, “Not anymore. It’s probably gonna hurt for a little bit, but you’re ok.”

Jamie’s chin quivers and Maggie holds her, rocking her gently and trying to calm her down.

And until she strolls up moments later—slowly and carefully walking through the grass in her skates—she completely forgot that she left Alex stranded in the middle of the rink. She tries to make her face as apologetic as she can, _I’m sorry,_ she mouths.

Alex shakes her head _._ She sits next to them silently, staring out at the rink and people-watching. Maggie feels like she should apologize for ditching her, but she’s waiting until Jamie comes back around. After a few minutes, she looks down at her daughter, “You ready to go back out there? Or are you all done?”

Jamie’s still wearing a pretty big frown, “Not done. But _you_ have to hold my hand,” she demands.

Maggie matches her frowny face and tone, “Deal.”

She hops off her lap, and sees Alex sitting there, “And _you_ have to hold my hand too.”

“Please…?” Maggie prompts.

“Please,” she repeats.

“I can do that,” Alex promises.

…

An hour later, they’re walking home, admiring the lights and in no hurry to get anywhere. Jamie is a few paces ahead, singing Christmas songs to herself and dancing down the sidewalk. Alex’s hand brushes Maggie’s, and in a moment of bravery, she decides to take it. When she looks up, Alex is grinning at her, and she can feel the heat flush up her cheeks. 

Their moment is again interrupted by Jamie, “Mama! Mama! _Look!_ ”

She’s got her face pressed up against a storefront a few feet ahead, and when they walk up behind her, she knows why: it’s a cute little bakery, and Santa is inside handing out cookies and talking to some kids.

“Mama, can we _pleeeeease,_ ” she begs.

“Jamie, we just made cookies at home! And you saw Santa last week. Let the other kids have a turn.” That’s not a real thing, but it’s crowded in there, and they _did_ just make cookies at home, and mostly she wants to keep holding Alex’s hand and stroll down this street and hang on to this moment. 

“Mama, _pleeeeease,_ ” she begs again.

Alex squeezes her hand, before letting go and running up to Jamie, kneeling down to her level.

“Mama, _pleeeeease_ ,” they beg in unison.

Kara may use the Danvers Pout to her advantage, but Maggie never had trouble turning it down. The _other_ Danvers, however…that was her weakness—and she knows that Alex knows it.

She tries not to smile, and fails, “Alright, let’s go.”

Jamie hugs Alex and runs into the shop. Maggie helps Alex to her feet and narrows her eyes, “ _Bad influence_ , Danvers.”

“Yeah, well…I’ll admit I had ulterior motives…” 

She looks up and Maggie follows her gaze. But before she can comprehend why they’re looking the little green leaves tied up in a red ribbon, Alex’s lips are on hers. 

 _So far past casual_ , she thinks fleetingly.

She’s not going to worry about that now.

…

After cookies from Santa, and mugs of hot chocolate bigger than Jamie’s face, and a chocolate peanut butter cheesecake that Maggie and Alex share, they finally head home.

They get to the door of Maggie’s apartment building, and Jamie runs inside to push the button for the elevator.

She turns to Alex, “Do you want to come in?”

“I—I should go…” she says.

Oh. She thought the night was going well, but maybe not. “…right. Yeah. Thanks for coming, Alex.”

“Mag—”

“The elevator’s here! You’re gonna miss it!” Jamie pops her head out of the door.

“We’ll get another one,” she says. “Jamie, say goodbye to Alex.”

“You’re not coming over?” she pouts.

Alex bites her cheek, “Not tonight. I have to get home.”

Jamie gives her a big hug, “Bye, Alex.”

“Bye, Jamie. Thanks for teaching me how to ice skate! I had a lot of fun tonight.”

Maggie can tell the smile on Alex’s face isn’t exactly happy, but she’s grateful for the mask she’s put on for Jamie’s sake.

“Go push the button again, I’ll be right there.”

Jamie runs off and Maggie forces herself to look at Alex, “I’ll see you later, Alex.”

“Maggie wait—”

She does, even though she doesn’t want to.

Alex steps in her space, but she’s careful not to touch her, “I had a really good time today…but I think we need to talk. Can we…can we talk…later? Or tomorrow?”

She’s going to leave again. It’s too much. Being together again, and now with Jamie… Alex Danvers is going to break her heart _again_. She can’t believe she was stupid enough to think it would end any other way, 

“Yeah. Later,” she says.

Alex kisses her cheek lightly, and gives her a small smile before walking away.

She rides the elevator with Jamie and wonders if she’s ever going to see Alex Danvers again.

…

They try to find time to talk, but it doesn’t work out. Between holiday madness, and the DEO, and the NCPD, and Jamie…it’s mostly a game a phone tag.

Part of her is glad to put this off. She’s hoping she can make it through the year mostly in one piece.

On Christmas Eve, she’s running around the house, trying to look somewhat presentable, and trying to wrangle her daughter into something somewhat presentable, for the Christmas Eve service they’re almost definitely going to be late for. Then there’s a knock at the door.

“Jamie! We’re leaving in 10 minutes, you need to get dressed!” she yells down the hall, “And _not_ in your pajamas!”

She swings open the door without thinking, and the sight of Alex Danvers nearly knocks her over.

“Hey.”

She says it like they haven’t been avoiding each other. She says it like she’s said it a thousand times before. She’s in a dress, and heels, and her hair is curled just a little, and she looks incredible. Maggie is frozen.

“Um…I’m sorry to show up unannounced, but we haven’t had time to talk and I just…I really need to talk to you.”

She blinks a few times, “It’s Christmas Eve.”

“Right…” Alex frowns, “I know. I…do you—do you have a second?”

She does not. But she steps into the hallway and closes the door behind her. She can’t risk Jamie seeing Alex and having her heart broken on Christmas Eve too. “This can’t wait until after—?”

“This can’t wait.”

Alex sounds pretty sure of herself. Maggie crosses her arms.

She watches Alex take a deep breath, and then she looks right at her, “I can’t do casual.”

She falters, “Wait—what?”

“I can’t do it. I can’t see you, and her, and have it be…temporary. I can’t.”

“Really? On Christmas Eve?” Her voice is bitter, but she can’t help it, “You had to do this right now?”

Alex doesn’t flinch, “Yes. Right now. Because I was sitting at Kara’s, surrounded by my friends and my family, and people I love and who love me back, and something was…missing.”

Wait.

“Some _one_ was missing…” She’s staring Maggie down with a look that she hasn’t seen in years. A look that is very notcasual. Even the afternoon they spent in Maggie’s bed—it was not like this.

She’s stunned, “…me?” she chokes out.

“Both of you,” she answers.

Oh. _Oh_. 

“I’m sorry for how I left the other night. I thought I could keep it casual. That’s what we agreed on…and I tried. But I fell for you a  _long_ timeago, and I was falling _so hard_ for her, and I…couldn’t get closer to you both, unless… But if that’s not what you want, I understand.”

“Uh… Yeah. Yes. I—I want…” she stutters.

Alex grins and takes a step forward, “Then maybe we should…kiss the girls we wanna kiss. Because I _really_ just—”

Maggie doesn’t let her finish. She closes what little gap is still between them, and kisses her—and she can’t think of anything else except Alex Danvers in her arms, under her hands, against her lips. 

Alex pulls away to breathe, and yeah, that’s a good idea. She needs to breathe too, but she smirks, “I can’t believe you threw that line back at me…” she chuckles.

Alex pushes a bit of hair from her face, and Maggie _loves_ it when she does that, “Well it worked so well the first time, I mean…I figured it couldn’t hurt…” she grins.

Maggie kisses her again. But then she hears a door down the hall open and close, it triggers something in the back of her brain. She pulls away suddenly, “Dammit. We’re late. Uh…I want to…oh there’s so much I’d like to do right now…” she looks Alex up and down slowly, and then shakes those thoughts out of her head. 

Alex tries to kiss her again, but Maggie takes a step back, grinning, “You have to stop doing that. I can’t think when you do that…”

“Do what?” she asks not-at-all innocently. She takes a step closer. Maggie tries to back up again, but she hits the wall.

“Church,” she blurts out. Wow. That was normal. Alex looks—appropriately—confused.

But she can’t form full thoughts. Alex is _here_. Alex is in her hallway, in front of her apartment, in her arms, and she…she doesn’t want it to be temporary.

A Christmas miracle.

“Sorry—uh, we’re on our way to church. Christmas Eve and all…we’re supposed to be leaving in,” she checks her watch, “five minutes ago.”

Alex laughs, “You might be late.”

She shrugs, “Worth it.”

She turns and puts a hand on the doorknob, but stops, “Um…just to be clear: this is _not_ casual, and _not_ temporary, this is…what is this, exactly?”

Alex leans in and kisses her neck, and _oh my god_ , she’s never going to form full thoughts again. Her brain is officially Jello.

Alex lips are against her ear, and she whispers low, “I think this is dating…”

“You’re such a smartass,” Maggie sighs. She pushes Alex away from her body with a grin, and opens the door, praying Jamie will be ready to leave. 

“Jamie, you almost ready?!”

She hears her before she sees her, “No! I can’t get the _stupid_ buttons—ALEX!”

She throws her dress to the floor and runs right into Alex’s arms—hair curled, with a little gold bow, wearing her white tights…and literally nothing else. 

Maggie picks up the dress and groans. She looks up at Alex, who is positively radiating with Jamie on her hip, “You sure you’re ready for this?”

She smiles and Maggie melts, “All in, Sawyer.”

Tears start down her cheeks, even as she grins. 

Jamie looks between them, brow furrowed, “Ready for what?” 

…

Maggie’s not sure she’s prepared for Kara’s party and all the Super Friends right now, but Alex promises she’ll be fine.

They’re in the hallway of Kara’s loft and Jamie looks up at her, “Where are we?”

“Kara’s house.”

“Really?!” 

She hasn’t seen Kara since the day at the park, but apparently she made an impression. 

“She’s having a Christmas party tonight, and—”

“A party?!”

Alex smiles, and Maggie shakes her head, “Yes. But it’s a party with a lot of adults, so you need to be on your best behavior, understand?”

“I will I will I will!”

Maggie looks to Alex, “You’re sure this is a good idea?”

“Yes.”

“Yes!”

She looks between Alex and Jamie and frowns, “You know all of a sudden I’m outnumbered, and I’m not sure I like it…”

Alex stops and takes both of Maggie’s hands, looking at her with those soft brown eyes…and the knot in her stomach loosens just a little.

“Are you gonna kiss her?”

Their eyes go wide, and they both look at Jamie standing next to them.

Alex turns bright red, but Maggie laughs, “I think she was thinking about it. What do you think?”

Jamie shrugs, “You already kissed before we went to church. And _after_ we went to church. And—”

Maggie grabs the hood of Jamie’s coat and pulls her to her side, “Alright alright. Thank you for that.” Alex somehow manages to turn a deeper shade of red. 

She pulls the hood over Jamie’s eyes while she giggles and flails her arms around, “Still sure about this?”

Alex kisses her chastely, “Definitely.”

She opens the door before Maggie can protest, and Kara is at the door way too quickly for someone who should be hosting a party inside. She’s pretty sure she heard and/or saw everything in the hallway because she’s grinning like an idiot, and with her Kryptonian DNA, she’s not even drunk.

Before she can even say hello, Jamie takes off at a sprint, “UNCLE JIMMY!”

She runs across the room, straight through all the Super Friends, and into his arms. He only has eyes for her, but Maggie watches Winn’s jaw drop. Lena elbows him in the ribs, J’onn and M’gann exchange some kind of look she can’t really decipher, and Eliza is— _oh no_ , she did not know Eliza was here. 

She turns around quickly and runs right into Alex, “Alex, you did not tell me your mom was here,” she hisses.

Alex looks lost, “Of course—why are you freaking out?”

“Your mom. Your mom who threw us a wedding shower. Your mom who’s daughter’s heart I broke. _She’s gonna kill me_.”

A hand is on her shoulder, and she tenses.

“She’s not gonna kill you.” 

She turns slowly and Eliza is standing there.

“It’s really good to see you sweetheart.” 

Her mouth opens, but no words come out. Eliza doesn’t seem bothered. She hugs her tight, “I’ve missed you, Maggie.”

“Uh…you too, Dr. Danvers,” she stutters.

“Please…it's Eliza.”

“Right…uh…Eliza,” she corrects. Her throat is dry and her hands are shaking, but Alex places a hand on her lower back and she lets it ground her. She breathes.

James walks toward the kitchen, like it’s the most normal thing in the world for him to be holding a kid in one arm— _her_ kid in one arm, “Well…” he clears his throat, “Who needs hot cocoa?”

“Me! Me! Me!” Jamie yells.

“With marshmallows?” Lena adds.

“Yes!”

J’onn looks to Maggie and winks, “And who needs something stronger?”

“Me,” she exhales.

“Coming right up.”

…

The night goes pretty well. Jamie is living her best life at the receiving end of everyone’s undivided attention, and a seemingly endless supply of hot cocoa and cookies. Maggie is grateful for Eliza who takes the brunt of Jamie’s pout when they “run out” of sweets, and “all they have left” is plain milk. 

As the night grows later, J’onn and M’gann leave, then Eliza, and eventually Lena, and James, and Winn. 

She’s sitting in the living room, comfortably stuffed and sleepy and happy. Kara is on one end of the couch, Alex is leaning against her shoulder, and Jamie is asleep on her chest—now changed out of her dress and into one of Kara’s old sweatshirts—and if you’d told her this was how her Christmas Eve was going to end, she never would’ve believed it.

…

…

…

She startles awake to the sound of Jamie screaming. 

It’s a scream that takes Maggie back to that night years ago—a sound she rarely hears, and a sound that sends her into panic faster than anything she’s ever faced on the job.

“MOMMY!!”

She jolts out of bed, promptly trips on a sweatshirt on the floor, and tries to find her balance before running down the hallway, eventually skidding to a stop in the kitchen. 

By the time she gets there, the screaming has stopped, but Jamie is still crying. 

She watches Alex whispering softly while holding Jamie close and rubbing circles on her back. She runs her hands through her hair, taking deep breaths, trying to slow her heart rate. It’s only then that she realizes Jamie yelled _Mommy_ instead of _Mama._

It’s been a couple years, but there are moments she still forgets—like waking from dead sleep to a blood-curdling scream from your child.

Another cry cuts through the house and she automatically turns back down the hall. She slowly opens pushes open another door, “Good morning, my little man,” she coos.

The sound of her voice calms the newborn a little, but it’s not until she lifts him out of the crib and tucks him in her arms, that he stops crying.

She keeps talking to him as she carries him back to the kitchen, “You hungry, buddy? Sorry about all the noise. If it makes you feel any better, your sister woke me up too…”

She’s still not sure what happened to Jamie, and when she walks in, she’s sitting on the counter while Alex puts a Band-Aid on her chin.

She kisses her daughter’s forehead, “What happened, peanut?” Maggie pulls her into a hug with her one free arm. 

Alex puts a hand on Maggie’s back and kisses her temple, “We wanted to make waffles for breakfast, but we might’ve been a _little_ too excited…”

With Jamie’s head tucked into her chest, Alex gestures something about her chin and the corner of the counter. It’s enough for Maggie to wince, “Ouch. You ok?”

Jamie pulls away and wipes her eyes, nodding, but still wearing a rather big frown. She carefully lifts their son and maneuvers him to kiss Jamie’s cheek, which earns her the smallest smile. She kisses her brother’s cheek right back.

Her eyes light up, “Can I feed him?”

“Sure. You can be in charge of his breakfast, and I’ll handle the waffles.”

Jamie crosses her arms across her chest, “I do _not_ like waffles.”

“Yes, you do…” Alex counters.

“Not anymore!” She points her her chin as proof.

Alex tries not to laugh, and picks up Jamie to set her on the floor, “Do you think that was the waffle’s fault, or maybe running with four stuffed animals and a blanket in your hands?”

“Waffles,” Jamie pouts.

Maggie puts the baby in his bouncy seat on top of the table, and hands Jamie a bottle, “Only half of this, ok?” Jamie nods and she walks back to Alex, who’s leaning against the counter, and puts her forehead down on her chest. Alex’s arms automatically wrap around her, “It’s too early,” she mumbles into her neck.

“I know. I tried to let you sleep in, but the tornado over there got a little out of control.”

Maggie peeks out of one eye, and watches Jamie kneeling on the table, babbling some nonsense to her little brother, telling him secrets he can’t comprehend yet. She pulls back slightly to kiss Alex soundly in the middle of their kitchen.

Alex blushes a little, grinning, “What’s that for?”

She kisses her again, “Just because,” she answers, tucking herself back into Alex’s chest.

Because now she has two kids, and a wife, and a little sister, and brothers, and Space Dad, and Eliza and the whole life she almost had seven years ago. Except now it’s better. Now it’s bigger. Now they finally got their timing right, and she doesn’t have to wonder “what if” about Alex Danvers.

Because she has her—forever.

…


	2. Still the Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked for more? There's more. 
> 
> A hella long, Alex's POV companion piece to “Jamie” brought to you by you’re insane kindness, and kudos, and comments. I am seriously blown away. Y’all are incredible and I’m still baffled that this story I spent an absurd amount of time on has resonated with so many of you. THANK YOU.

“Kara, we’ve done this for what? 10 years? I _know_. Crullers are priority #1,” she rolls her eyes, but smiles at her sister’s early morning demands, “I love you too. See you soon.”

She’s putting her phone in her pocket, turning towards Noonan’s, but the door opens before she sees it and she nearly runs someone over.

“I’m sor—” but the apology dies in her throat. Because holy shit. Holy _shit_.

“ _Maggie?”_

Her Maggie. _Not my Maggie_ —her brain corrects. Not anymore. But nonetheless, Maggie Sawyer is standing in front of her. At Noonan’s. At 5:30AM on Sunday morning.

Her entire body goes numb and it has nothing to do with the five mile run she just finished or the fact that it’s 50°F outside and she’s wearing a tank top. 

Before she can put together words, let alone full sentences, Maggie looks like she’s going to cry.

It unlocks feelings she hasn’t felt in years, and it takes a lot of willpower to not reach out and wipe away the tears in her eyes.

Until she says, “I can’t.”

She can’t help the way her face reacts to that.

She still can’t even comprehend the image of Maggie Sawyer in front of her right now: hair thrown in a ponytail, probably wearing last night’s jeans, and an oversized sweatshirt…and yet…she looks amazing.

It’s been…four years? At least four years. National City wasn’t _that_ big of a place. She assumed a long time ago that she moved. She never forgot her, but she also never expected to see her. Not here. Not today. 

Her brain is whirring and suddenly she realizes that she isn’t listening to anything coming out of Maggie’s mouth.

“I’ll—I’ll call you?”

She nods.

“Same number?”

She nods again.

“Ok.”

As if she didn’t feel stupid enough, she feels more stupid when Maggie walks away with nothing more than a little smirk, and she realizes she was standing there, waiting for Maggie to say, _See you around, Danvers._

She’s not sure if the smirk was better or worse.

…

She walks the distance between Noonan’s and Kara’s apartment more or less in a trance. She’s replaying her entire interaction with Maggie on a loop, and she barely registers Kara’s babbling as she sits down and slides the box of donuts across the table.

“Alex?”

She blinks.

“ALEX.”

That makes her look, “Yeah. Sorry.”

Kara looks concerned, “What’s going on?”

“N—nothing. It’s nothing.”

Her voice softens, “Alex… What’s wrong?”

The way she says it gives her pause. She takes a deep breath, “I saw Maggie.”

The cruller falls out of Kara’s mouth and Alex lets out a laugh, “That was pretty much my reaction too—minus the donut.”

Kara picks up the cruller and puts it back on her plate, but there’s a lot of emotions playing across her face. More than Alex expected. She can’t let that go, “Ok, I know why I feel like I saw a ghost, but Kara…why do you look so upset?”

She shakes her head a little, “I’m—I’m not. Just…stunned.”

“Kara…”

“I’m _not_.”

She clearly is—Alex can, and has always been able to, read her like a book—but she also knows when she’s not going to get anywhere, “Ok. Sorry.”

She backs off and Kara relaxes a little, “So…what did she say?”

Alex blushes, “Uh…I don’t really know. I had a hard time…listening…” Kara grins, “But she asked if my number was the same and she said would call me.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

Kara shrugs, “Just…four years of nothing and ‘I’ll call you’…? Strange.”

“Maybe she didn’t know what to say either.”

“Maybe.”

She’s looking at Alex very carefully, and sometimes when she stares like this, Alex wonders if she’s looking through her completely—like somehow her ability to literally see through her gives her the ability to see through her emotionally, “Are you ok, Alex?”

She opens her mouth to say _yeah_ , but she stops, “I don’t know.”

Kara stands up and hugs her, and she tries to push thoughts of Maggie out of her head.

She wonders if it’s a fight she has any chance of winning.

…

A few days go by, and she eventually forgets about Maggie entirely. 

She and J’onn are in the fifth week of back-and-forth conference calls and occasional full-day meetings with varying combinations of Major Lane, Superman, Supergirl, Sam Arias, Lena Luthor and President Marsden.

The alien population in National City has been constantly growing, but the alien population in the United States has grown exponentially. With their current bases, the DEO is having trouble keeping up and maintaining an upper hand. 

There is only one Supergirl—and one Superman—so the military has been running occasional interference. Except they’re not trained in alien combat _or_ alien relations, and it’s taxing the DEO to the point of exhaustion to constantly have to be cleaning up after their messes. The President has agreed to let them start up additional bases in new locations.

Lucy is responsible for filtering through a seemingly endless stack of solider applications. Kal and Kara have been tasked with finding locations near alien populations that are either considered hostile, or may be potential targets and will need protection. L-Corp is being brought in to help with science and technology needs. 

Meanwhile, J’onn and Alex are trying to fit all the pieces together, attempting to maintain some semblance of the secrecy that’s necessary for a black ops government organization.

The whole thing is a fucking mess.

And yes, she loves Lucy and Sam and Lena—but Major Lane and Ms. Arias and Ms. Luthor are giant, stubborn, pains in the ass around a conference table. She’s incredibly proud and respects the hell out of that…except when they’re all around the conference table, and they’re opposing _her_.

Thankfully, they’re all also really good at compartmentalizing. 

Saturday night is Game Night. James ducks out at the last minute, but Sam, Lena, Winn, Kara and Alex are sitting around playing Mario Kart, and nothing about their messy work negotiations touches the evening.

She beats Sam in the semi-final round of Mario Kart, and gets up to use the restroom, “Lena, _please_ kick his ass. I would love some new competition at Rainbow Road…” she teases.

Winn scoffs, and Lena gives her a small salute. Alex knows she doesn’t stand a chance, but she can at least try to get in Winn’s head.

When she shuts the door, her phone rings, and she answers without thinking, “Hello?”

There’s no one there. 

She pulls the phone away and checks the caller ID, but it’s a number she doesn’t recognize. She looks at it in confusion, and the words _I’ll call you_ pop into her head—but not in her own voice. In someone else’s.

“…Maggie?”

“Alex.”

She slides down against the door, and sits on the floor, “Hi.”

“Hey.”

There’s dead silence. She doesn’t know what else to do except laugh at the awkwardness, “I think this is going well,” she tells her.

“Yeah, not weird at all.”

She takes a deep breath, “How are you?”

“I’m…I’m ok.” It sounds forced, “You?”

“Still me.” She buries her head in her free hand, _what does that even mean?_

“That’s good.”

Well at least she hasn’t hung up, “I think so.”

“And the Super Friends?”

“Still…super.”

Another fantastic answer. She’s officially an idiot.

“Good.”

“Yeah.”

“I…I moved back.”

So she _did_ move. She wonders where she’s been living, but she doesn’t ask. She doesn’t trust herself to not say something stupid, “…oh.”

“Uh, I mean, I guess I don’t even know if you knew that I left…” Maggie starts rambling, and Alex can picture her pacing a little like she does when she gets nervous while talking about herself. 

She tries to make her voice as steady as possible, to see if she can calm her the way she used to…before, “Now you’re back.”

“Yeah.”

It sounds calmer. She smiles to herself, “Makes sense.”

“Huh?”

“I haven’t seen you…around…in a while.”

“Right…”

Just as the conversation feels slightly more normal, Maggie suddenly has to go and Alex is left—once again—trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

Maggie asks if they can talk again, and of course, she agrees. Then she asks if they can meet in person, and Alex doesn’t know how to say no to that either. Maggie says she’ll call, and then…she’s gone.

She doesn’t even say goodbye.

She wishes she was home right now, and not in Kara’s bathroom, in the middle of Game Night. She wants to replay the whole conversation, and analyze every word, and probably cry—happy or sad tears, she’s not quite sure, but she’s pretty sure she’ll cry.

Instead there’s so much shouting, that it snaps her out of her thoughts. She walks back into the living room to Winn and Kara yelling, and popcorn being thrown.

“What the hell is going on?” she yells.

Winn and Kara shout at the same time.

“CHEATING!” 

“LENA WON!” 

Alex arches an eyebrow at Lena, who’s toasting her victory with Sam, “You beat him?” she says incredulously. 

She scoffs, “Don’t look so shocked…”

Alex high-fives her on the way to her seat, looking very smugly at Winn, who’s now pouting on the couch. She turns back to Lena, “Now you’re going down, Luthor.”

…

Around midnight, everyone else has left, and she’s helping Kara clean up. They’re standing in the kitchen, and she goes to grab her jacket and stops, “Hey…Kara?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I…can I stay here tonight?”

She looks concerned, and she hates putting that look on her sister’s face. 

“Of course. Everything ok?”

She made it through the rest of game night easily, but in the silence after everyone left, her mind kept pulling her back to Maggie. Pulling her back to that phone call, to their good moments, to their bad moments… She didn’t know how she felt about it all just yet.

“I…I don’t know. Can we talk about it tomorrow?”

Kara nods, “I’ll grab you some pajamas,” and goes to her bedroom.

That night, Kara is the big sister. She makes her tea, and hugs her a few times, and fills the silence with some story that Alex is only half-listening to, but she knows Kara is only telling so that Alex doesn’t feel like she has to talk.

…

In the morning, Kara is making coffee and checking some of her emails when Alex gets out of the shower. She doesn’t say anything, but Alex feels her eyes on her. She pours herself a cup of coffee and sits next to  her little sister.

“Maggie called me last night.”

“ _What?!_ When? How…? How did I miss this?”

“I think you were occupied with Lena beating Winn,” she laughs.

Kara looks like she’s trying to remember where Alex was in that moment, “Oh. What did she say?”

She traces her finger around the rim of the mug, “Not much. She moved back.”

“Moved back from where?”

Alex shrugs, “She didn’t say.”

“We could have Winn—”

Her head snaps up, “ _No._ Wherever you’re going with that sentence, the answer is no.”

“Just to find out where she was…”

She’s being nosy, yes. But Alex knows there are only good intentions behind it. Her answer is still the same, “No.”

She holds her hands up, “Ok.” 

After all these years—as much as she wants to know every single detail about where she’s been and what she’s been doing—she wouldn’t do that to Maggie. Not ever. She puts her head on Kara’s shoulder and tries not to cry, “She said she wants to talk again—maybe in person.” 

“ _What_.”

“Yeah,” she laughs. 

“Are you going to do it?”

A tear falls down her cheek, and she tries to subtly wipe it away before Kara notices, “I’m not sure.”

…

Two weeks fly by while she’s insanely busy with the new DEO locations. She’s in the middle of contract negotiations with L-Corp, and going through the slightly smaller mountain of applications Lucy approved with a fine-tooth comb—and issuing psych evals, medical exams, and lie detector tests.

She’s walking back from the lab one day with Winn, and her phone buzzes.

_Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Are you free this weekend?_

She drops it on the ground, and he picks it up and hands it over with a curious look, “Everything ok?”

“Yeah…yes. It—it’s…nothing.”

He raises his eyebrow a little, but doesn’t say anything.

“Uh…Agent Schott, I need the background checks on the first set of potential agents as soon as possible.”

She uses her Assistant Director tone, but in a way that makes it clear that he’s not in trouble, she’s just can’t talk about it right now.

He gets it, “Yes, ma’am. Almost done. I’ll have them on your desk by the end of the day.”

“Thanks, Winn.”

He gives her a small smile, and squeezes her shoulder when he walks by. 

…

They decide on dinner one Saturday, and Kara helps Alex pick a restaurant that’s nice, but definitely not romantic. “It’s not a date,” she tells her more than once. She tells it to herself even more than that.

It might not be a date, but while she’s standing there taking off her coat, Maggie walks in, and she has to try not to stare.

She wants to hug her right away, but that feels like too much—maybe for Maggie, but also for her.

She sits down, and Maggie follows, and it’s…uncomfortable.

She didn’t think it would be so awkward. They avoid eye contact, they talk stiffly about the menu and order drinks…but it’s so forced.

When their drinks come, Maggie raise her glass, “A toast.”

She can’t help it, she laughs. This has been so terrible. She can’t imagine this is going to make things _less_ awkward, “A—a toast? Seriously?”

“Oh yeah, Danvers. A toast.”

She rolls her eyes, but lifts her glass. Then Maggie does that little head tilt—flashing those dimples—and her stomach flips. 

 _It’s not a date_ , she reminds herself.

“This is fucking awkward. Cheers.”

She catches the beer that she nearly drops right before it spills all over the table, and genuinely laughs, “I can drink to that.” 

She feels like she can breathe again. 

…

The conversation is a little easier after that.

She gives her a recap on the Super Friends, but she doesn’t know how much is Maggie actually wanting to know, and how much is Maggie just being polite. She was part of this family, and she doesn’t want to rub it in her face that she’s not anymore. She keeps the updates brief.

They talk about silly things, too, and Alex’s alien gun—which makes her grin, because it’s such a goofy thing for Maggie to remember and ask about.

She starts noticing the place clearing out, but she doesn’t want to say goodbye. Maggie checks her watch a few times, and Alex wonders if she’s looking for a way out. But when the conversation slows, Maggie picks it up again. She assumes that means she wants to stay too.

Inviting her back to her place seems too forward. It’s also not the same place as when they were together, and she doesn’t know if that makes it better or worse. 

“Maybe we can…go for a walk?” she suggests.

“A walk sounds nice.”

…

They start heading toward the beach when Maggie turns to her, “What’s going on there?”

She follows Maggie’s gaze, and grins, and rushes them into line. This is her and Kara’s favorite place. She gets excited, like she’s entrusting Maggie with National City’s biggest secret, “Oh my god! This place opened about a year ago and it’s _the_ _best_. Just…don’t ever tell Kara we came here without her.”

“I promise…” she mumbles.

The change in her tone makes Alex look. Maggie seems uneasy. She suddenly becomes aware of Maggie’s hand in hers. Did she do that? She must’ve… Should she drop it? She should drop it. _It’s not a date._

Thankfully, she talks with her hands. So in the middle of rambling about the bakery they’re in line for, she has the opportunity to drop Maggie’s hand without making it a big deal. She tries to ignore the way her heart sinks a little at the loss of contact.

“I now understand keeping this a secret from Kara,” she laughs, “I do have one question—”

Somewhere in the depths of her brain, the answer comes to her before she even asks, “ _Yes_ , they have vegan ice cream…” She makes a face, “Gross.”

Something familiar flashes across Maggie’s face, and feelings she didn’t know she even still had start coursing through her veins. 

…

They finish their ice cream, and walk down the beach until they find a place in the sand to sit.

Maggie is so close Alex can’t focus on anything except her presence. There’s no one else around, and all she can hear is the distant roar of the waves and the pounding of her own heart.

Suddenly Maggie stands up and starts pacing…and she’s crying. It breaks Alex’s heart. 

She didn’t know Maggie could still do that—didn’t know that instinct was still there.

She hurts at the sight of Maggie crying. She has to do something, “Um…Maggie?”

Maggie holds up her hand, and Alex thinks maybe she shouldn’t have said anything at all. 

She’s overreacting. They haven’t seen each other in four years, and Alex is reverting to being her fiancée—but she’s not. She’s…nothing. She has to remember that. 

Maggie looks down at her, and even with the tears on her cheeks, and the pain in her eyes, she looks beautiful. She looks breathtaking. 

“Alex, I…I have to tell you something. Something…big. And—”

_She’s married._

Dread fills her gut, and a cold fist clenches her insides. She hates whatever part of her brain put that thought into her head. 

She glances at Maggie’s hands, and they’re trembling. She’s distracted by wanting to reach out and take them in her own, but then—no. There’s no ring. Maybe she’s _not_ married. Or maybe she’s not wearing her ring. Maybe they don’t have rings.

Half a dozen other thoughts fill her head, and she tries to shove them all away, “Maggie?” she manages.

“Yeah?”

She’s hates to ask, but she has to, “Is it…is it going to ruin…this?” _Whatever_ this _is_ , she thinks, but does not say.

Maggie wipes a tear from her cheek, and Alex wishes it was her own hand instead. She would’ve been gentler. 

“Yeah…yeah it is.”

She can only nod. Her heart can’t take it. If she lets Maggie finish whatever that sentence is, she will probably break. She was starting to let down her walls around Maggie again, but right now, she puts them back up. She has to, “Can it…wait?”

She watches Maggie consider that, and she hates herself for doing this—for making her push down her feelings. But if Maggie says it’s going to ruin this, then she’s probably right. And Alex will shatter into a thousand pieces, and she can’t do that here—alone, after midnight, on a deserted beach. She won’t be able to pull herself together and take herself home.

“Yeah. It can wait.”

She feels the dread melt away a little. Whatever it is, it can wait—but she won’t let Maggie keep crying. 

She reaches out a hand and Maggie takes it. She pulls her gently toward the blanket they’re sitting on, and her breath hitches when Maggie sits so close that their shoulders and their legs touch. 

Her heart is racing, but she takes a chance. She laces her fingers through Maggie’s, and she doesn’t pull away. Her hand still fits perfectly in Alex’s—she loves and hates gaining that piece of knowledge.

They sit that way for a while, but eventually, they have to leave. It’s late enough that they both agree they need to go home.

They promise to keep in touch, and meet up again soon, but Alex’s heart isn’t in it—because now that she’s not distracted by Maggie’s body touching hers, and her hand in her own—whatever it was Maggie was going to tell her consumes her thoughts. 

She wonders what she was going to say. 

She wonders if she’ll ever see her again.

…

About a week later, she’s halfway through training a new group recruits, but when their second set of evaluations come back, her group of fifteen is suddenly three—the other twelve failed in one way or another.

She can’t put together one—let alone two _—_ new DEO bases with three recruits. She shoves the whole stack of files right off the edge of her desk, into the trash can, and slams her head on the desk a little harder than she intended. 

“Alex?” Kara appears in the doorway.

She rubs her forehead, “Hey.”

“Are you ok?”

She groans, “No.”

Kara plops in the chair in front of her desk, and her voice is soft, “Anything I can do?”

Alex smiles at her. 

Kara’s been exceptionally nice since the dinner with Maggie that she refuses to talk about anymore—not because she doesn’t want to, but because she can’t.

She told Kara it went fine. She conveniently skipped over the “something big,” and the fact that she cried the whole way home, thinking of all the things that could possibly mean—but Kara wasn’t buying it. 

She had a lot of questions, and Alex continued to shut her down. They got into a huge fight. And when Alex yelled “Because she’s going to break my heart again—can’t you leave it alone?!” 

Kara yelled back, “No! Because she broke mine too!”

That stopped Alex instantly.

They both took a minute and finally Kara looked at her—those big puppy dog eyes all watery—and shrugged, “She was my sister, Alex. I loved her and I miss her too…she left me too.”

And it’s different, she knows. She knows her love for Maggie was different from Kara’s love for Maggie, but it was still love, and loss—and Kara had lost so much in her lifetime.

Alex conceded, and told Kara a little bit more about the night, and Kara conceded, and didn’t push for more information—even though Alex knew she wanted more.

They’ve been fine since—albeit a little more considerate of the other’s feelings.

So now, sitting in her office, she smiles at her sister, “These recruits are _ueseless_. Can you can find me enough people to staff two new DEO locations in…” she looks over at the calendar and laughs, “Oh, you know…six weeks or so?”

Kara laughs lightly, “I can’t. Sorry. That’s why they give you the big office, and I just get a cape.”

Alex raises her eyebrows, “Trade ya?”

“No way,” Kara crosses her arms, “You’re not touching my cape.”

She looks at her watch and it’s about five. She knows she has hours of work ahead of her—and now, more phone calls with Major Lane—but she’s also starving, “You want to get dinner?”

She springs up out of the chair, “Taco Tuesday!”

Alex laughs, “Sure. Sounds good.”

…

They walk to a nearby restaurant, and as soon as they open the door, Kara grabs her arm, “Um…Alex, we should—we can go. Let’s go somewhere else.”

She furrows her brow, “Kara, you love this place. They have the best tacos in the galaxy, apparently, and—” She freezes—she sees the reason Kara wants to leave, sitting in a corner booth by herself, staring at her phone.

She takes a deep breath. She looks at Kara, and hears her voice from the other night, _She was my sister, Alex_. Maggie was not just Alex’s, she was Kara’s too. She nudges her sister’s shoulder, “It’s fine—I promise. You loved her too,” she smiles.

Kara nods and they make their way over.

Alex can do this. She can say hi, and it will be fine. She doesn’t think Maggie will bring up whatever it was she wanted to say in the middle of a restaurant, and probably not with Kara around. They can be civil. They can be…friends? Maybe they can be friends.

“Maggie?”

She nearly jumps out of her seat. Alex feels bad, but then Maggie’s demeanor changes, and she smiles, “Alex! Kara! Hey…” 

She looks at Kara for a long second, “It’s good to see you, Kara.” Alex knows how much that means to her sister.

Kara grins, “You too. We missed you around here.”

Alex’s nerves settle, and she’s actually glad they ran into her. She’s glad Kara got to see her, and it’s then she notices the second glass on the table. 

Maggie’s not alone here. 

Panic sets in, and she needs to get out of here. She’s not as ready as she thought she was, “Oh, you’re not—you’re not alone. Sorry. We should go. I just…I saw you and I wanted to say hi…”

She backs up a few steps, and she can’t hear what Maggie’s saying, because her heart is beating too fast.

“Mama?”

She’s…numb. Her brain fails her completely, but she vaguely feels Kara’s hand on hers. She can’t think, she can’t breathe, she can’t move.

“What’s wrong?”

But oh. _Oh._ Maggie’s voice. Her voice is soft, and gentle, and familiar—and she _definitely_ knows this kid. This kid who just called her _mama_. 

“Who are you?” The high-pitched voice makes her brain slowly come back to life. 

She looks down at the little girl for the first time—her brown hair, her big green eyes—she’s cute. She’s smiling up at two strangers she’s never met, with a big grin on her face, and even in her shocked state, Alex admits this kid is kind of adorable.

“Jamie, this is Alex and Kara. Alex, Kara, this is…Jamie.”

 _Jamie_. She looks between Maggie and the little girl— _Jamie_ , she reminds herself—and she smiles at her.

She’s looking quizzically at Kara, “You look like Supergirl.”

Alex’s eyes go wide. Kara blushes and mumbles out the world’s worst excuse, but thankfully this kid is pretty young, and still oblivious. 

 _The glasses don’t help,_ she thinks _._ She wishes her brain would stop torturing her.

“Do you have a cousin?” Jamie asks.

Weird question. She catches Maggie shaking her head furiously and the lie comes easily, “Nope. We don’t have cousins. We’re sisters though,” she offers weakly.

The little girl— _Jamie—_ frowns _,_ “I don’t have a cousin either. Or a sister.”

Maggie shakes her head a little and puts her hands up. The look is so familiar—but not on Maggie. On…on Eliza…on her mom. On a lot of moms, actually. _This cannot be happening._ She tries not to cry.

Kara talks to the little girl and takes her hand, but Alex isn’t listening. She’s still trying to put _Maggie_ and _mom_ in the same sentence—in the same…universe. Her brain cannot put those two things together in any way, shape, or form.

“Can I, Mama?”

That word hits her hard. Harder than she’d like. She can’t hide it.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

_I have something to tell you….something big._

This never crossed her mind. Not on this Earth, not on another Earth, in another timeline, in the past, the future—never. This was _never_ a possibility. 

And yet…

She sits across from Maggie, and watches Kara and Jamie giggling about something at the jukebox.

“So that’s—that’s the thing. That’s what you were going to tell me.” It’s not a question. It has to be. There’s no other explanation.

“Jamie. Yes.”

“Jamie…” she says it out loud for the first time. “So are you…married?” She didn’t mean for it to come out so harsh, but she thinks about that dinner, and Maggie sitting so close, and her hand in Alex’s…all of that while she was _married_. 

Maggie looks stunned, “No. Alex—”

Ok. Not married. But _the kid_ …she’s confused, “…divorced?”

Maggie sighs, “No. It’s just the two of us. I—look—this is…complicated. And I want to tell you, I do. Obviously, I tried to…”

She did. She wanted to tell Alex the truth, but Alex was too afraid to let her, “Right. Sorry.” Her head spins, “I just…there were a lot of things that I thought you might tell me that night, but this…this was _not_ one of them.”

“I know. It’s a lot. If you want me to tell you now, I will.” Maggie looks genuinely sorry, and Alex tries to relax a little.

“But…if you want to…stay…and have dinner? Maybe afterwards we can…” she grins with those dimples that make her weak, and Alex knows whatever she’s about to suggest, she’s going to do, “Maybe we can go for a walk?”

She smiles despite herself, “Yeah. Ok. We’ll go for a walk.”

…

Dinner is not as horrible as she thought it would be.

Jamie is…adorable. There’s no way around it. She’s bubbly and innocent and talkative and goofy, and Alex kind of wishes she wasn’t, because the worst parts of herself would like to take out her anger and confusion and whatever other feelings are happening to her right now on this little girl—because it’s _not fair_. 

This is what she wanted with Maggie—this is all she ever wanted—and Maggie has it and Alex hates it. 

And she hates herself for being jealous of something that clearly makes Maggie so happy. Because she is. She’s _so_ happy. Alex can see it in the way she watches Jamie, in the way she’s open and silly and loving without hesitation—without even trying. 

Jamie does that to Maggie, and Alex loves it and hates it.

Then without warning, Jamie crawls under the table and puts her face right next to Alex’s, “This is the best day ever,” she whispers.

And now she can’t even hate the kid. She cups her hands up to Jamie’s ear and whispers back, “I think so too,” and Jamie throws her arms around her neck, and Alex can’t help but hug her right back.

They leave a little later, and Kara winks at her before hoisting Jamie up on her shoulders, “Can we get ice cream?”

“Mama! Ice cream!”

“Kara!” Kryptonian DNA or not—she’s going to kill her little sister. She knows Kara’s not letting her out of this dinner without talking to Maggie— _really_ talking—and Alex is going to kill her.

Maggie doesn’t seem phased, “How about ice cream on our way to the park?”

“Best! Day! Ever!” Jamie yells.

She thinks about those words in her ear not that long ago. She was placating the kid then, but right now…the four of them standing here, casually going for ice cream… Weirdly, it’s actually turned into a pretty good dinner. She wonders how long that can possibly last.

Kara takes off down the street with Jamie on her shoulders, and she’s not really paying attention. She sees Maggie’s hand out of the corner of her eye, and she’s not thinking, she just takes it.

It’s not until their hands drop between them that she realizes what she did.

But Maggie didn’t let go either, and when she looks over at her, she flashes a dimple—and Alex focuses on keeping her palms from sweating. 

…

They get to the park, and Maggie tactfully sends Jamie off to the playground so they can talk. They follow her to a picnic table, and Alex watches Maggie’s earlier confidence turn to nerves. She wrings her hands, and Alex wants to calm them with her own, but she can’t bring herself to do it.

“So obviously there’s a lot to talk about…”

She wants to know, of course, but Maggie looks so scared. She doesn’t want to cause her pain, “Maggie, we broke up. You don’t owe me an explanation.” She means it—even though she hopes Maggie ignores her.

“I want you to know the truth. Coming back here…I knew there was a chance we’d run into each other.”

Alex smirks—that’s exactly what happened.

“Alex, we _literally_ ran into each other.” 

She tries not to grin at the shared thought.

“And I don’t want to hurt you. I don't expect anything from you, I just…I want you to know. I want you to hear it from me.”

Kara puts an arm around her, and Alex looks at her sister. She makes sure she’s ok with this. This will be hard for Kara too, but she seems to be on the same page, so Alex nods, “Ok.”

“Ok. Um…but if it’s too much, I’ll stop. Alright?”

She agrees, and it already seems like too much—but she feels like she needs to know. She needs to fill in the missing four years, because the Maggie that left her engagement ring on the table and walked out their door cannot possibly be the same one sitting in front of her today.

“So, after…everything…I cut everyone off,” she’s looking right at Kara as she says, “I’m sorry about that, kid. I—I had to.”

Alex steals a glance at her sister, and tries to remember to ask her about that later. That meant something that Alex has no reference for.

“I stayed in National City for about a year. I refused to run away—I was done running—but I realized I was staying for…for you…and that wasn’t right either. It wasn’t fair to either of us. A job came up in Gotham, and I took it.”

 _Gotham_. That’s where she was this whole time? She’s only heard stories, but Gotham was notoriously dangerous. The look on Kara’s face probably mirrors her own—if they’d known, they would’ve tried to stop her.

She tells them how she was helping start up a Science Division there. How she was interviewing detectives, sending them to classes, helping them assess crime scenes properly—Alex can’t help but think about how similar it was to what she’s currently struggling with at the DEO.

If she makes it through this in one piece, maybe she can ask Maggie for help.

Then she’s talking about a corruption case—the mayor’s secretary found dead—and Alex listens intently.

“My partner and I were part of the team that responded—we just happened to be in the area—but there were cops, EMTs, and techs all working the scene. They had been there about an hour. They supposedly cleared the scene, but obviously not well enough… All of a sudden, there was crying.”

She looks like she’s about to cry, and it hurts Alex to see her this way. To know she’s doing this to her, “Maggie…”

But Maggie’s strong, and she’s stubborn, “No, I’m fine. It’s…it’s fine.”

It’s not fine _—_ but it’s not Alex’s job to think that anymore.

“Anyway, a few minutes later, a cop comes downstairs with this…tiny little girl in his arms. God…she was so tiny then…”

Alex looks past Maggie at Jamie at the playground, and she can only imagine. The girl was pretty tiny now—how long ago did this story take place?

Maggie answers it at almost the exact time she thinks it, “She was maybe two, and she was _screaming._ Not just crying, but screaming. We thought she was hurt, but as far as the medics could tell, nothing was wrong. And still, she cried. And screamed. And she wouldn’t stop.”

And now her heart hurts thinking of Jamie in that much pain. The sweet little girl that entertained them through what could’ve been a painful and awkward dinner.

“We tried to calm her down. She was handed off to every cop, medic, tech, the neighbors—everyone. We tried everything. At some point it was just…my turn. I vaguely remember being handed a screaming toddler—and I’m not great with kids, as you know—” 

Alex frowns slightly. That’s a lie. Maggie _was_ good with kids—especially scared kids—the kinds of kids she came across all-too-often on the job. Alex never understood why she thought she wasn’t good at it.

“—so I just put her on my hip and waited for them to take her to the next person.” She laughs lightly, “But then my phone rang.”

She tilts her head. That…doesn’t fit. Not yet, at least. She wonders what that has to do with anything.

“I don’t even remember who called me, but I remember it was a big deal—misplaced evidence or something—something big. I was caught up in the conversation, yelling. It wasn’t until I hung up that I realized I still had the kid on my hip. I had her in my arm, and she wasn’t crying. I had her in my arm, and she was…she was sleeping.”

The image of Maggie with a sleeping toddler in her arms gives Alex a lot of mixed feelings she’s not ready to deal with. 

Maggie shakes her head a little. She looks ashamed, “Don’t—that—I…I don’t deserve the look you’re both giving me right now.”

She’s confused. Maggie rescued a screaming, scared toddler, but she’s acting like she’s the one who murdered her mother in the first place. It doesn’t make sense.

“I stayed with her that first night. It was the only way we could get her to calm down enough to have her checked out at the hospital. But then…then I gave her to the social worker, and I left.”

Alex doesn’t have time to hide the pain on her face before Maggie looks at her. She’s not quick enough.

Maggie swallows hard, “When I told you I didn’t want kids, Alex…I wasn’t lying. I _never_ wanted them.”

That’s painfully obvious now. All she can do is nod.

Kara squeezes her side, “What changed?”

Her voice is hard, and Alex is grateful for her then. Grateful she’s brave enough to say the things that Alex can’t bring herself to say.

“Uh…my guilt level?” she laughs thickly. “We followed protocols. We looked for living relatives, but she doesn’t have any. Her dad died shortly after she was born. Both parents were only children. And both sets of grandparents were deceased. She went to Child Services and they found her a home. They actually found her three homes. But none of them stuck. She wasn’t…she wasn’t doing well.”

Alex is still confused, “So they just gave her to you?”

“Yes and no. I’d been following up on her a little—I’m not totally heartless—and the social worker contacted me after the third family fell through. It took a _lot_ of convincing, but eventually I agreed to take her in temporarily. I was only supposed to foster her. And it helped, I guess. I don’t know…I never saw her with the other families. But according to our case worker it was an improvement. It was _not_ easy. There were a lot of bad days—mostly mine—a lot of tears—again, mostly mine—and there was a lot of therapy…for both of us.”

She’s surprised—not that Maggie went to therapy, but that she just openly admitted it. Alex was entrusted with a lot of her deepest secrets at one point, but even then, they never came easily. She had learned to navigate Maggie’s walls and insecurities, but even when they were engaged, it was still something they were working on.

“A year flew by before I knew it, and by then…I don’t know. I taught her the alphabet, read her bedtime stories, took her to ballet, and she…she started calling me mama.” Alex notices for the first time how the word hits Maggie. How it gives her this light in her eyes that’s she’s never seen before. “How could I give her back after that?”

She couldn’t. Alex couldn’t either. Not many people could. She has so many questions, but she’s still trying to place the timeline of this story within her life, “How old is she?”

“She’ll be five right after Christmas.”

Kara says something, but Alex is trying to do the math. She’s almost five now, she was two when she found her, so she’s had her for nearly three years. This couldn’t have been long after she moved to Gotham.

A new city, a new job, a new…human being…to look after. It must’ve been hard.

“Why tell me?” She can’t help it. “I mean, I’m glad you did—I guess… But why?”

“Honestly?”

“Always,” she says automatically. She tries not to blush at how easily the answer came to her.

Maggie shrugs, “It seemed like the right thing to do. Not telling you felt like lying. If we hadn’t seen each other, I wouldn’t have called out of the blue just to drop this on you. But seeing you again…it was so… _easy_. I didn’t know that it would be—and I don’t know if it was for you, of course—”

It was. It definitely was. Alex didn’t know that it would be either.

“—but even after everything…I can’t lie to you, Alex. Especially about this.”

This part she missed too: Maggie’s honesty. With a few early exceptions, she was always honest with Alex. She’s glad that hasn’t changed. Sometimes it hurt, but she’s always grateful for it in the end. 

She tries to muster up the courage to be as honest as Maggie is. It takes a while, but she finds it, “I don’t know how to do this. I barely made it four years ago. It…it broke me.” She thinks back to that night, and she remembers the look on Maggie’s face when she walked out the door. She was broken too. “I probably don’t have to tell you that…”

She thinks about everything that happened in the last few weeks since Maggie came back into her life. It’s not all bad, but it wasn’t all good.

“I just don’t know how to see you, and her, and not…not _feel_ anything.”

“You don’t have to.”

She laughs, “Feel anything or see you?”

But Maggie smothers her sarcasm with a smile, “Either. You know now, and I’m glad that you do. And I’m sorry if I overstepped. I don’t know what the rules are for this. For seeing your ex-fiancée after you broke off your engagement because you didn’t want kids, and now you have the kid you said you’d never have. They don’t make that self-help book—believe me, I’ve checked.”

“That would be oddly specific,” Kara’s voice startles her. She momentarily forgot she was here.

“Right, well…I sure could use it.”

She puts her head on her sister’s shoulder, and Kara holds her a little tighter, “What am I supposed to do now?”

“Whatever you want.” Always honest. “Being with both of you again, it feels like a lifetime ago, and it feels like no time has passed at all. I don’t know how to explain it.”

That makes perfect sense to her, “You don’t have to—”

Kara clears her throat, and Alex sits up to look at her. She whispers, “Incoming,” and she follows Maggie’s gaze over her shoulder to see Jamie coming up. She tries to look as close to normal as she possibly can.

The giggly little girl that ran off a while ago is gone, and this one is sleepy and…possibly ill. When she mumbles “My belly hurts,” Alex elbows her sister in the ribs. 

Jamie doesn’t seem like she’s holding it against her though, she asks if she can see them tomorrow. 

Maggie cuts off any response, “Not tomorrow, Jamie. We’ll see when they’re free again, ok?”

“That means never.”

Alex tries not to laugh. The kid is smart, too. 

Her phone rings and she checks the caller ID: it’s the DEO. She doesn’t know how serious it is, but she suddenly remembers all the work she has to do, “We have to go.”

Maggie understands. Jamie says goodbye and hugs Kara tight, and Alex is torn. On one hand she wants to say goodbye and hug them too, on the other hand, she doesn’t know if she can.

But Jamie reaches her arm out to her, and she can’t leave her like that. She hugs her, “It was nice to meet you, Jamie.”

“Bye Alex.”

Maggie says the same thing, but it feels heavier, “Bye, Alex.”

She suddenly realizes she only hugged Jamie, but now it would be weird if she went back to hug Maggie too. She doesn’t know what else to do except turn and follow her sister.

They round the corner and Kara stops for a second, “Are you ok?”

She gives her a small smile, but shrugs, “I don’t know.”

…

The incident at the DEO is minor, but she works late into the night going through files on the new recruits.

She gets home to three missed calls from Kara and a handful of texts. She ignores her for now.

She changes into her pajamas, lies down in her bed, and lets her brain go into overdrive. She should call Kara, but she doesn’t really feel like it. Kara will want to know how she feels and she…she doesn’t know yet.

She replays every interaction with Maggie these past few weeks again. The first run-in: where was Jamie then? It was 5:30 in the morning, way too early for school. She’s not even five, so she doubts Maggie left her at home alone. How long had she been in town then? How long has she been in National City? Alex didn’t know.

Then she replays their dinner. She wonders if that’s why Maggie was so eager to leave. Why she was checking her watch. She thinks about her hands trembling while they stood on the beach, and how terrified Maggie was to have to tell Alex the thing weighing her down. She feels bad for how selfish she was, but she’s not sure it would’ve changed the outcome much. 

She thinks about tonight. About Maggie’s life in Gotham. She thinks about how effortless Maggie looks with Jamie, and she wonders what those first few months must’ve been like for her—someone who never wanted kids, but was too good of a person, and knew what growing up without a family felt like, and changed her whole life just so one kid might have it better than she did.

Then she wonders why Maggie wouldn’t change her life for her—for her need to be a mother and have their own kids. She wonders why Maggie could say yes to this kid who was a total stranger, but had to push away the person she wanted to marry. 

 _If she even wanted to get married_ …

No. She shakes the thought out of her head. Maggie wanted to get married, then. She wanted Alex. Her self-doubt is creeping in, and she chooses not to let it. Maggie did love her. Maggie did want to marry her. They just couldn’t overcome one hurdle, and it wasn’t something that could be compromised. 

She tries to think of anything else, and can’t. She wakes up feeling like she hadn’t slept at all.

…

About a week later, Kara knocks on the door of her office. When she looks up, Kara looks guilty—of what, though, she’s not sure.

“Hey.” She stands and meets her sister halfway across the room in a hug, “Alright, what did you do?” she teases.

Kara stares at her feet, and mumbles something incoherent.

“You’re gonna have to say that again,” she asks gently.

Kara takes a deep breath and looks right at her, “I went to see Maggie today.”

That is not what she was expecting. Heat licks through her insides and she’s not sure if it’s anger or jealousy, or maybe both. Kara has every right to see Maggie, but it still hurts. She tries to ignore it, “Ok.”

“Ok? That’s it?”

No. That’s so far from it. She has a lot of feelings about it, but she doesn’t have a right to any of them—not really, “Kara, I’m not Maggie’s keeper. And I’m definitely not _your_ keeper. What do you want me to say?”

Kara frowns, “I—I don’t know.”

She goes back to her chair, and Kara sits across from her, “Ok. Well I don’t know either.”

“It’s her birthday today,” Kara mumbles.

Alex bites her lip. She knows. She never forgets it. 

“I know you know, Alex. Were you going to call her?”

“No,” she admits.

“Whyyyy,” Kara whines.

“It’s too…complicated.” Not her best answer, but not a lie.

“You have a sister who’s an alien, you work for a government black ops unit, and your boss is a martian.” she deadpans.

She puts her head in her hands, “Kara…just let it go.” Kara snorts and she looks up, “What’s so funny?”

She looks smug. Alex hates that look, “That’s what she said too…”

Alex’s stomach flips, “Said about what?”

“Nothing…” Kara taunts.

She’s going to kill her. But yelling at Kara only gets her more yelling. She switches tactics—she kills her with kindness, “Kara, don’t be a brat. Not about this. Please?” she pleads.

She can see Kara soften. Works like a charm.

“Fiiine. I went to see her—I…wanted to give her a birthday card—and then we got to talking about…other things.” She looks right at Alex, and Alex wonders again if she can see right through her, “You, for instance.”

“Me?”

“Come on, Alex. You still love her. I know you do.”

It feels like someone knocked the wind out of her, “I—I don’t,” she stutters. 

“Alex, you do. And I know you do, because I can see it every time you’re with her, or you talk about her, or you get mad at _me_ for talking about her.”

She crosses her arms, “I _don’t_ do that…”

Kara raises an eyebrow, “You’re doing it right now…”

Alex hastily uncrosses her arms, and puts them awkwardly at her sides.

“Alex…she loves you too.”

Even while it feels like someone’s squeezing her heart, there’s a tiny bit of hope ballooning inside her. _What if Kara’s right?_

“I’m right about this, Alex.”

And apparently a mind-reader. She looks at her skeptically.

“She _loves you_ , Alex—and you love her. And both of you are doing this thing, where you’re protecting yourselves and you’re protecting each other, and I’m going to slap you both upside the head if you don’t stop it already—gently, of course,” she adds with a grin.

Alex shakes her head,  “No. Kara—no. She doesn’t… She has a kid now.”

“That has nothing to do with it.”

“That has _everything_ to do with it. That makes everything more complicated. More confusing.”

Kara walks around the desk and sits down on it, right in front of her, “Alex. I’m not going to push you, but I’m right about this. She loves you. She’s _in_ love with you. And yes, she has a kid now—and that must really hurt, and I’m sorry about that…I can’t imagine… 

“I know you’re probably overthinking everything that happened four years ago and how you could’ve changed it—but you can’t. You can’t changed what happened back then, you can only do something about it now. If you want her now…don’t let her go.”

She doesn’t know what to say to that. Kara’s probably not wrong—well, she’s definitely not wrong about one thing: Alex loves her. She’s been trying to pretend that she doesn’t, but somewhere deep inside, she suspects she always has.

Kara puts a hand on her shoulder, and they sit for a little while, until Supergirl has to go. 

She doesn’t bring it up again.

…

The following day she has a meeting with Lena and Sam at L-Corp. They’re trying to tie up the last few details of the science and tech contract. She grabs one of her old bio textbooks to take with her to Noonan’s. She needs something distracting, and it seems appropriate for the day ahead.

She gets a bagel and a coffee, but by the time they bring it to her table, she’s fully engrossed in her book. Her stomach grumbles, so she remembers to eat half the bagel, but she forgets the coffee entirely. 

She’s tuned the whole restaurant out, but mid-sentence she hears, “…the woman at the corner table.”

She knows that’s her, but more importantly, she knows that voice. She finishes the sentence she’s on, but by the time she looks up, Maggie is gone. A minute later, the waitress drops off a new coffee with a wink, “You have an admirer.”

“Thanks.” She slides the mug closer and takes a sip. Then she pulls out her phone: _Thanks for the coffee_.

Maggie answers right away: _No problem. Looked like you forgot about the first one._

 _You know me well._  

She deletes that immediately. She can’t think of anything clever to write. Everything sounds wrong—too forward, too formal, too friendly. 

She puts down her phone, but then picks it up again: _Happy belated birthday._

 _Thanks, Alex_.

Not exactly the response she hoped for.

Kara’s wrong. Maggie’s not in love with her. 

She leaves both coffees on the table, slams the textbook shut, and heads to L-Corp.

…

They go through the entire contract from top to bottom, and by the end of the day, she has an actual signed contract in her hands to take back to the DEO and share with the President of the United States.

She’s pretty proud of herself.

She hands off the contract to J’onn, and is about to leave, but she gets a call from Lucy, who has found her dozens of new recruits that she personally promises will pass all of her tests.

She doesn’t necessarily believe her, but she promised. So if she’s wrong, Alex gets to hang this over her head for a long time. It adds to her good mood. 

Her phone buzzes, and it’s a text from Kara. Apparently she has Winn in their gift exchange. She texts her back automatically: _Thanks, Kara._

J’onn and her go over some more plans for the new bases, and everything seems to be going well. It’s the first break they’ve had in nearly two months. 

When she gets back to her apartment a few hours later, she’s a little surprised to see Kara there with a pizza already on the counter.

“Hey.” It’s not weird for Kara to show up unannounced, so she doesn’t think much of it.

“Hi.”

But her voice sounds…off. Alex takes off her coat and shoes, and walks into the kitchen. She flips open the pizza box, and it’s untouched— _that’s_ not normal.

She slowly closes the box, and tries to read her sister’s face, “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry about yesterday. About seeing Maggie. I didn’t mean to make you mad, I just—”

Alex cuts off her rambling, “Mad? Kara, I’m not mad at you.”

Kara opens her mouth, then closes it again, “But today…when you sent that text…”

Alex slips her phone out of her pocket and rereads her text: _Thanks, Kara._ She’s as confused as Kara is, “I said ‘thanks’…?”

“It didn’t sound like you. It sounded…I don’t know…short. It sounded like you were still mad at me…”

She levels her gaze with her sister’s, “Kara, I’m not mad at you. I promise. I’m sorry you thought that. I didn’t mean it that way, I just…didn’t know what else to say.” 

She wasn’t even a little bit mad at her when she wrote that, but she can see how Kara read it that way. When she goes to put her phone back in her pocket, she sees another message a little further down: _Thanks, Alex._

Maybe she read it wrong too.

She thinks about that as she gets plates out of the cabinet, handing one to her sister so they can take their dinner to the couch.

After they sit, Alex has a slice halfway to her mouth—but when she looks over, Kara still looks like she doesn’t believe her. She waves the pizza dramatically in her hand and makes her voice obnoxiously sweet, “Thank youuuuuu, Kara.”

Kara glares and Alex laughs, and then suddenly her pizza is gone. She thinks she dropped it, but she realizes a half a second later that Kara went to take a bite of it, and ripped the whole thing right out of her hand, “Hey!!”

Now Kara laughs. Alex does too. She brings the whole pizza box over to the coffee table, and slaps Kara’s hand away when she tries to open it first, “No way! Mine.”

“You can’t eat all of that!”

“Wanna bet?”

Kara’s eyes glow red and Alex points a finger in her face, “Don’t. You. Dare.”

Her sister laughs harder and her eyes go back to normal, and Alex swipes two pieces from the box that she’s sure will be empty the next time she goes to open it.

A few episodes of Criminal Minds later, and properly stuffed with pizza, Kara picks her head up off Alex’s shoulder, “Alex?”

She looks down at her, “I’m not mad, Kara.”

She smirks, “I know. Um…can I ask you something?”

“Always.”

She sits up until she’s looking Alex square on—so she knows this is about more than FBI profiling techniques, “You do love her, don’t you?” she asks quietly.

Alex considers her answer. The real answer, she knows, is _yes._ She doesn’t know if she can admit that to Kara. She can barely admit it to herself.

But…maybe she needs Kara to push her a little—push her past her fear of rejection. Her fear of the past.

She bites her lip. “Yeah, Kara. I love her. I think I always have,” she admits.

She expects Kara to say _I told you so_ , or jump up, or do something ridiculous—but instead she lays her head on Alex’s lap and looks back at the TV, “Me too.”

She puts a hand on her sister’s head, and tries not to cry.

…

With the L-Corp contract done, and Lucy’s new recruits coming into National City, Alex is busy—but a good busy. The new DEO locations are finally coming together, and she’s trying to impart a decades worth of DEO knowledge onto 50 recruits in four weeks. 

She knows they won’t be totally ready by January, but she’s gonna push them as far as she can.

Lucy didn’t lie—this group was good. She wonders where she got them from, and why she sent her the other group of useless recruits in the first place. At least she still has _that_ to hang over her head.

A few weeks go by, and she gives her newbies a much-deserved day off. They passed the near-impossible tests she had for them the day before, and as promised, they get a day to themselves.

She takes the opportunity to go Christmas shopping with her sister.

Kara hasn’t brought up Maggie much since the night with the pizza, but she hasn’t had time either. CatCo’s doing their end-of-year issue that’s trying to cram an entire years worth of news into one magazine—while somehow making the information new and still interesting, even though everyone most likely read it the first time around.

It’s a good time to be best friends with her bosses. 

She meets Alex at the mall with donuts and coffee, and they start weaving through the crowd of people, “Who do you have again?”

“Winn. You?”

“James.”

“Not bad—” but she sees Kara’s eyes go wide, and now she has questions.

“What…?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“ _Kara…_ ”

She sighs, “I forgot to tell you something about James…and…” she winces a little, “…and Maggie.”

Alex’s stomach drops. _James and Maggie?_ She can’t mean—there’s no way. 

Kara jumps a little, “Oh god. Alex, not _that_. Sorry.”

She exhales, “Jesus, Kara. We’re gonna need to work on your story-telling techniques. You almost gave me a heart attack!”

She laughs, “Sorry. Sorry! I didn’t mean like that. That would be…” she cringes, “No thank you.”

“Agreed.”

Kara loops her arm through Alex’s, but keeps walking, “They’re…friends…” she says gently.

Alex doesn’t understand.

“Like…good friends. They’ve been friends this whole time. He…” she stops and pulls Alex to the side of the hallway, where they won’t get run over by other people, “Alex, he knew about Jamie.”

She can’t help the look on her face, “The _whole_ time?”

Kara nods, “I found out on Maggie’s birthday. There was a picture of James and Jamie in her office, and Jamie was…younger.”

Alex is shocked, yes, but—surprising even herself—she’s not angry. Maybe Kara is though, “Are _you_ ok?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, he’s one of your best friends.”

“I—” she looks like she hasn’t considered it yet, “I’m ok with it, actually. I talked to him.”

“Good.”

“That’s it?”

She shrugs a little, “Kinda.” She starts walking again, “I mean, I’m surprised, definitely. But I don’t know…I’m happy she wasn’t alone. James is a good guy. I’m glad he was there to look out for her. For both of them.”

Kara looks confused, but then she grins, “You really do love her…”

Alex laughs and attempts to hide the redness creeping up her cheeks, “Shut _up_.”

…

A few hours in, and Kara gets a call from work that she has to take. Alex sees the toy store across the way, “I’ll be over there.”

Kara nods, and Alex ducks inside. She hasn’t been in a toy store in…a long time. It’s still before noon, so it’s not that busy, which thankfully makes the whole experience less painful.

She walks aimlessly through the store until a teenage employee takes pity on her lost expression, and points her in the direction of the Legos. Winn wants some fancy black-box Lego thing that she rolled her eyes at—but now, standing in the aisle of all the elaborate sets, she has to admit they kind of look like fun.

He couldn’t decide on a favorite, but the Guggenheim set looks the coolest, so tucks it under her arm. She looks around, but still doesn’t see Kara. 

Then she remembers there was some Catan expansion pack that Kara was talking about last game night. She doesn’t really remember what it is, but if she scans the board games, maybe she can figure it out.

She turns the corner of one of the aisles, and her stomach drops and her heart thumps heavily in her chest.

Immediately she spins around and walks five aisles away. She pulls out her phone and calls Kara, “Where are you?”

“I’m coming. Sorry. Stupid work—”

Alex cuts her off, “Maggie’s here.”

“Oh my God.”

“Yeah.”

“What did you say?” she practically squeals.

“Nothing. I—I ran,” Alex admits.

She doesn’t need to see it, but she knows Kara is rolling her eyes, “Alexxx…”

“I know! Ok? I panicked. What do I do? Come here. Come help me.”

“No.”

Her jaw drops, “What?!”

“No. Alex, you are a big girl. You can do this. You don’t need me. Stop overthinking it. It’s _Maggie_. Just talk to her.”

Alex takes a deep breath. She can do this. She can talk to Maggie.

“I’ll see you later.”

She smirks, “I hate you.”

Kara laughs through the phone, “Byeee Alex…” she taunts.

“Kara?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Kara’s voice loses all her previous sarcasm, “I love you too.”

She puts her phone back in her pocket and walks back toward the game aisle. Maggie’s standing there with Connect 4 and Chutes & Ladders. It’s weird to see her looking at toys…for her kid _—_ but it’s also cute.

“Definitely Connect 4.”

Maggie turns and she can’t help but smile at her. She doesn’t look annoyed to see her—so that’s something.

“You think so?”

“Absolutely.”

Maggie throws Connect 4 in the cart, and Alex’s heart jumps a little. 

“Not a place I thought I’d see you…”

“Oh, well…” she holds up Winn’s gift.

“Is that the Guggenheim?”

She feels stupid. “Winn,” is all she can say.

“Nerd,” Maggie snorts.

She laughs, but her heart soars. Under normal circumstances, being called a nerd is not something she loves. But out of Maggie’s mouth, it’s different—endearing.

She tries to be brave, “Are you off today?”

“All weekend.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yeah…”

Maggie shifts slightly, and she looks uncomfortable. She should probably go…but she doesn’t know how, “Do you…uh…have more shopping to do?”

She looks surprised. Was that too much?

“Um, yeah. Hard to be Santa when the kid is always around…”

“Right.” Jamie. Despite the fact she just witnessed Maggie weighing the pros and cons of Connect 4 and Chutes & Ladders, she still forgot about her daughter.

 _Her daughter_. It’s the first time she’s ever thought of her that way. She keeps calling her Jamie, or “the kid,” even “her kid,” but not her daughter. She is though. She’s her daughter. Maggie’s a single mother. A _mother_. 

“Do you want—”

“Hey, how’s—”

They talk at the same time, and Alex’s nervousness creeps back in.

But Maggie laughs, “You first.”

“Oh…” she can feel the heat rising in her cheeks, but she thinks about Kara: _You can do this._ “I was just wondering if…I mean…you don’t have to, but maybe—maybe we could…shop together?”

It came out shakier than she’d hoped, but she did it.

Then Maggie checks her watch, and her heart sinks. “Oh. Unless you have to go, I mean…sorry. I should go…”

“Nope, I just…” she tilts her head and flashes a dimple, and _god_ those dimples. She’s so helpless. 

“Did you eat breakfast?”

That—what? She gapes, “…breakfast?”

“Yeah, Danvers.”

 _Danvers_. Suddenly she’s not even sure how she’s existing in this place anymore because the dimples, and then _Danvers_ , and now Maggie’s standing right next to her, brushing up against her shoulder, and all she can do is gulp. 

“I have a lot of shopping to do, and I know you get cranky if you go without snacks for too long…”

She scoffs, “I do _not_ get cranky.”

“Um…yes you do. You and your sister have that in common.”

“Not nice,” she frowns.

“Truth hurts.”

She watches Maggie walk to the end of the aisle and look back over her shoulder, “Well, come on, Danvers. What do you know about dragons?”

…

Alex has no more shopping to do in the toy store, and being next to Maggie is exhilarating and suffocating. 

She distracts herself with all the different toys, constantly boomeranging back to Maggie’s side just to tease her or talk to her—but she never stays long. All she can think about is touching her, and taking her home, and…a lot of things that are typically frowned upon in public.

She comes across the roller blades and scooters, and spots a longboard that looks a lot like the one she had in high school. She looks up and down the aisles, but there aren’t really any kids around. It’s already unwrapped, and the wheels are a little dirty—so she’s not the first person to use it.

She tests is out a few times in the back corner of the store, and when her muscle memory kicks in, she takes it a little further out, and skates past Maggie.

“Jamie needs this,” she teases as she rolls past.

Maggie kind of freezes on the spot, and mutters something incoherent. But Alex feels her eyes on her.

She focuses on her balance, and steals a glance over her shoulder, “What’s that?”

“Nothing.” Maggie’s voice is a little higher than normal, a little quicker. Right before she turns she hears, “It looks good on you, though…”

She manages to grin—before almost running right into a display around the corner. She cuts around it quick enough, but still has to stop herself in the aisle next to Maggie. 

For the first time, she wonders if maybe the things she’s feeling aren’t totally one-sided.

…

Maggie asks if she wants to get lunch, and Alex agrees—but she also wants to get out of the mall, and thankfully, Maggie agrees to that too.

She says her apartment is close, and they have enough bags that it would be a pain to lug around town and to lunch, so they head to her apartment to drop them off. 

Her heart is racing and she can barely maintain the small talk on the way. She’d finally stopped thinking about all the inappropriate things that popped into her head in the toy store, and now her palms are sweating at the thought of walking into Maggie’s apartment. 

She’s not sure why. They’re only dropping off bags. But still…it seems like a big deal. A new piece of the puzzle about who Maggie is now. She’s still trying to fit those together with all the things she knew from so long ago.

When Maggie lets her in, she seems uncomfortable. Alex tries to take up as little as space as possible, so maybe she can relax, but she sees the “Happy Birthday Mama!” poster on the wall, and she smiles. 

She doesn’t realize she’s walking toward it until she’s taken a few steps, and then she has to keep going, because stopping halfway would be odd.

There’s little stick figures on the bottom, and the first three are definitely Maggie and Jamie and James. There’s a smaller person with glasses, and Alex has no idea who that could be. The last two though…

“Is that…?”

Maggie stands next to her, “Uh…yeah, that’s you and Kara. She really likes you guys. Asks about you all the time.”

She didn’t expect that. She remembers the little girl’s tight hug, _This is the best day ever._ She smiles at the memory. “And that’s James, right?”

“Right.” She sounds nervous, “Did…Kara tell you about that?”

Alex tries to stay indifferent. She shrugs, “A little.”

She turns toward Maggie and suddenly she’s so close. Alex lets herself stare at her eyes, her lips, the place where her dimples would show up if she smiled… She’s just…beautiful. So beautiful. 

She reaches out to brush some hair from her face, and her stomach does that flippy thing again. She doesn’t want to let her go.

Suddenly Maggie’s hands are on her face, and her own hands are on Maggie’s waist and in her hair and she wants to leans it to kiss her, but Maggie pulls away. 

She takes Alex’s heart with her, “Alex…we shouldn’t.”

She’s probably right. They shouldn’t. There’s so much history, so many feelings, and still… “I know. I just…I’ve wanted to…” She can’t remember wanting anything more.

“I know,” Maggie’s looking at her in a way she hasn’t seen in a long time. A little bit of hope rises up in her chest, even as she hears her say, “We should talk about this.”

They should. They should talk about it. She should slow down. 

But it’s Maggie. And she’s right here, and she’s wanted to kiss her since the second she saw her outside Noonan’s. She reaches out and grabs the hem of the shirt she very much would like to take off of her, and she grins when she feels Maggie’s stomach twitch under her fingertips. 

It feels like someone else asking, “Or we could…talk…later?”

“Later?” Maggie gulps.

She looks her up and down, “…after?”

“A—after?” she stutters.

Alex wants to kiss her senseless—but she makes herself stop. She looks Maggie in the eye, and there’s no teasing, no taunting—she’s careful, “Only if you want.” 

She’s going to make sure. She’ll only keep going if Maggie is sure.

“Yes. Later. After.”

Apparently she’s sure.

…

She didn’t know if she’d regret it, after the fact, but so far, she feels like she won’t. It was fun and familiar, and maybe a little awkward at moments, but they laughed through it together. 

Now she’s tangled up in the sheets, with a grin she can’t wipe off her face, and Maggie walks back in the bedroom like a vision: half-dressed in only Alex’s shirt—and carrying sandwiches. 

She laughs because it’s both hilarious and somehow perfect.

“What are you laughing at? Is this not the romantic lunch you had in mind?” she grins.

She hands over a sandwich and climbs onto the bed, and Alex has to kiss her, “This is perfect.”

The kiss she gets in return, with Maggie’s hand on the back of her neck, might mean that she agrees.

…

They talk for a while, and about real things this time.

Maggie talks about work, and a little more about Gotham, and tells at least four stories about Jamie. Alex loves each of those stories, but it’s a reminder of how different Maggie’s life has become. How different a relationship with her would be now. It makes her think.

She talks about Sara Lance, and the woman she dated this past year. She’s not sure how they got on the subject, but she finds herself talking openly about it, and Maggie doesn’t seem bothered. When she explains why she broke up with her last girlfriend, Maggie says she’s sorry to hear that.

She arches an eyebrow her way, and Maggie folds easily, “Ok. I’m not sorry _right_ this second…but I am sorry. I only ever wanted you to be happy, Alex.”

That gives her mixed feelings. She was so incredibly happy with Maggie—until she wasn’t. And she knew, even back then, that they broke up for a good reason, but it killed her to say goodbye. Still, she always wanted her to be happy too, “You too.” 

That’s the truth. It’s weird to talk about all this now. These last few weeks, it’s been a roller coaster of emotion—but right here, right now, it was easy. Every wall was down, and she wasn’t angry or sad or upset, she just…was.

She tries to take advantage of this moment, to get to know more about Maggie. She runs her hands along Maggie’s thigh, trying to remember how to scale the walls she used to, knowing Maggie doesn’t love talking about herself.

“Hey.”

She looks up and she’s met with the softest smile, “What is it?”

She takes a deep breath, “Are—are you happy?”

Maggie’s grin could light up the whole city, “Right now? Absolutely.”

Walked right into that one. She laughs, “Ok, right. But…not just now. Like…in general. With everything. With…” she says the word she’s been tripping over when talking about Maggie recently, “being a mom?”

“Yeah. I am.”

That stings a little, she can’t help it. But getting the answer was…easy. That’s new.

“I’m happy with being a mom…now. I wasn’t at first. I wasn’t…before—as much as I wanted to be.”

She wanted to be. Before. With Alex. She wanted to be ok with it. It’s not new information to her, but it’s a nice reminder.

“It took me a long time to be this way. Early on, I was just keeping her alive, more or less. I cared about her, sure…but I didn’t _get it_. I felt like a babysitter, not an actual parent.” She laughs a little, “If you want some stories, you should talk to James…”

Alex doesn’t want those stories. Maybe later—if there is a later—but not now. She doesn’t like the idea of Maggie struggling. She’s curious, “Do you ever regret it?”

“Not anymore.”

Again—easy. Interesting. She tries a step further, “But you did?”

“Sure. A lot of times—especially early on.”

That hurts too—that Maggie did it something this big, this serious, even though she didn’t really want it—but who she was hurting for, she wasn’t really sure. Herself? Maggie? Jamie? Maybe all of them, a little.

“Until I was faced with the moment of truth—the moment I had to choose between making her adoption official or letting her go—I didn’t think I would do it. I never thought about it being permanent.”

That makes more sense. She reaches out and takes her hand, lacing her fingers between Maggie’s.

“Remember when I told you that I went to therapy?”

Alex does. She was surprised that she said it so easily before. She’s surprised she says it easily now, “Yeah.”

“It was about Jamie, mostly. And me, of course…but it was…it was sometimes about you.”

Dread creeps in her stomach. She’s not sure she wants to hear this, “Me?”

But Maggie smiles and it eases her nerves, “I hadn’t dealt with us, not really. And having Jamie in my life made me wonder, every single day, why I let you go. I kept thinking how much better at being a mom you would be, and how much better off Jamie could be with someone like you…”

Alex always wanted to be a mom. It was something she always knew about herself. She thinks of Maggie and Jamie though—they’re perfect together. There’s no one better for Jamie than Maggie. She rubs her thumb against Maggie’s palm, “…obviously that’s not true.”

She blushes and Alex wants to kiss her again—but she won’t interrupt this.

“Yeah, I didn’t know that then…but you know what else I eventually realized?”

She wants to know everything, “What’s that?”

“I don’t think we would’ve made it.”

She’s caught off guard. She’s not sure she wanted to know that. The dread is back, cold and snaking through her insides.

Maggie is steady though. She’s calm. Alex tries to remember to breathe, she focuses on pushing away that last sentence that’s ringing through her ears. 

“Alex, if I’d promised you kids, and we had one…all the fear and self-doubt and apathy I had about being a parent would’ve ruined us. And you being _so_ good at it—because we both know you would be—that would’ve just magnified how horrible I felt. I don’t know if we could’ve survived that.”

It didn’t sound untrue. She adds that to the list of things she’ll be thinking about later. But now? Now she pulls Maggie close and kisses her.

“What’s that for?”

“Just because.” Because it’s so… _different_. The same in a lot of ways, but completely different. Her head is spinning a little, and she’s not sure if it’s the kissing, or the overload of information, or this woman that holds a piece of her heart she didn’t even realize she was missing, sitting in front of her, looking at her that way…

“You’ve changed, Maggie Sawyer.” She assures her it’s good change though—and she’s sure it is. 

“This conversation? You did this, all on your own. You talked to me about yourself and your feelings…and that never came easily to you before. Maybe it wasn’t Jamie, maybe it was therapy, or something else entirely—but she _has_ changed you. For good, as far as I can tell.”

She blushes and deflects, “You calling me soft, Danvers?”

 _If only you knew_ , she thinks. Maggie’s not the only one who’s soft, “I am. But it looks good on you.”

Maggie grins, and gets a familiar and devious look on her face, “You wanna know what _I_ think looks good on me…?”

Alex has a pretty good guess.

…

A little later, she’s dressed and in Maggie’s bathroom, trying to look presentable to go back out in public. 

She’s absently combing her fingers through her hair, and turns on the faucet to splash some water on her face. When she dries her face on a towel, she sees a little basket of bath toys on the floor. 

She makes out a mermaid doll, a rubber duck, a boat, and one of those plastic razors that has no blade and comes with a giant can of foam. She laughs a little, wondering if Jamie pretends to shave her legs or her face with that—maybe both.

She reaches for the door handle, and sees a couple little pen marks. There’s not many—they just moved in. But there’s two near her hip level. Those make her stop. She sits on the edge of the tub and stares at them for a long time.

She makes up her mind, and she hates her own idea, but she has to do it.

When they say goodbye, she forces herself to back off a little. She doesn’t say “dating,” instead she suggests taking it slow. Seeing how things go. The word “casual” slips out, and she hates herself for it.

She doesn’t want anything casual with Maggie. She just…wants her. Completely.

But Maggie comes with Jamie. Maggie has a daughter, and that makes everything different. Alex would not do anything to jeopardize that.

…

The next night, Kara is over her place, and they’re getting ready for the CatCo Christmas Party.

She’s putting on her shoes, and answering the question Kara’s asked at least seven times that day, “Yes. Casual. We can be casual, Kara. We’re just…taking it slow.”

Apparently it’s a tough concept to grasp.

Her phone buzzes, she sees _Maggie_ and she glances at it upside down: _I’m sorry. She begged me. You don’t have to._

She’s about to answer back—she has no idea what that means—but Maggie’s calling her anyway.

“Hey.”

_“Hello? Is Alex there?”_

That’s not Maggie. She smiles at the little voice on the other end, “This is Alex. Who is this?”

_“Jamie.”_

“How are you? What are you up to?”

_“We’re going ice skating! Can you come?”_

She wants to say yes, but she has other plans. She can’t bring herself to say no, “Who’s going?”

_“Me and mama.”_

“Have you been ice skating before?”

_“No.”_

“Are you excited?”

_“Yes!”_

She can tell. She thinks about the night ahead of her—drinks and dancing, yes, but also heels, and handshakes, and a lot of people she doesn’t know. Then she thinks about ice skating with Jamie and Maggie—it’s a no-brainer, “Ice skating sounds fun.”

_“Can Kara come?”_

“I don’t think so. She has a party tonight at CatCo.” 

_“Ok.”_

“Can you ask your mama when you leaving?” The word _mama_ is a little awkward, but it doesn’t hurt like it used to.

She hears her ask Maggie first, _“She says pretty soon.”_

“Alright. I’ll be there.”

_“Ok!”_

“I’ll see you soon, Jamie.”

_“Oh! And bring gloves. Because if you fall, you’re going to land on a giant ice cube and you don’t want your hands to freeze!”_

Alex laughs, and doesn’t even get a chance to say goodbye, because apparently Jamie hung up.

Kara is leaning against the door to her bedroom with the biggest grin on her face, “Casual?”

She takes off the shoes she just put on, and tries not to blush, “Ice skating is casual…”

“Uh- _huh_.”

Alex doesn’t even get mad at her, because the disbelief in the way she says it matches the disbelief in her gut that her feelings are anything remotely casual. 

“It can be casual…” she tries to convince both of them.

Kara doesn’t argue, “I’ll bring you back some dessert.”

“You’re the best.”

“I know,” she smirks.

…

She’s changed and downtown faster than she thought she could be. She sits on a bench outside the rink, watching the other skaters, when she hears that little voice again, “Alex!”

She runs right at her, arms outstretched, and Alex doesn’t know what else to do except pick her up and spin her around. She looks toward the direction she came from, and tries to remember to breathe—tries to ignore the heat shooting through her body, and the way her heart quickens as she watches Maggie walk closer.

“No Kara?”

 _Casual,_ she reminds herself, “Oh…no. It’s the CatCo Christmas party.”

She puts Jamie on the ground and hears Maggie mumble, “Some cat place…”

Alex furrows her brow, “Huh?”

“Nothing. Never mind…”

She follows them toward the skate rental, and she watches Maggie lace up Jamie’s skates and her own—and it’s then that she realizes she has no idea when the last time she went ice skating was. It can’t be that hard.

How very wrong she is. 

Maggie is occupied getting Jamie situated, and in less than ten minutes, the four-year-old is shuffling along with a hand on the wall, and Alex has already landed on her ass twice, and somehow—she’s still not exactly sure—in Maggie’s arms once.

Even Jamie is entertained by her failure. 

“Alex! It’s not hard. You just have to go slow. Like this!”

From anyone else, she’d have sarcasm at the ready—but Jamie’s four. She hasn’t really learned how to be sarcastic yet, so she’s actually trying to be helpful. It’s cute. 

She’s about ten feet ahead, all bundled up in her coat and with her little mittens on, and Alex smiles, “Show me again. I’ll watch closer.”

But Maggie is still laughing at her, and she misses Jamie’s lesson to glare, “Stop. Laughing.”

Maggie tries, but if the roles were reversed, she knows she’d probably be laughing too. Normally she would enjoy making her laugh, but this is humiliating.

She leaves to help Jamie, and Alex finds herself staring. 

She’s seen Maggie with Jamie, of course, but not like this. At the restaurant, and at the park—even outside earlier—Jamie was excited around her and Kara, and Maggie was caught somewhere in between who she was four years ago and who she is now.

But right now…right now it’s just them, by themselves, and it’s the first time Alex has seen them that way—how she imagines they are all the time, when no one else is around. 

It’s a lot of little things. 

It’s the way Maggie’s whole body softens around Jamie, and the way she looks at her that is so full of love, and somehow entirely new and different to Alex—nothing like she’s seen on her before. 

It’s the automatic way Jamie reaches out for Maggie when she thinks she’s going to fall, or looks for her when she does something she’s proud of. 

It’s the way Maggie anticipates Jamie falling before it even happens—how she wasn’t even looking, but when Jamie reaches out to the wall, Maggie lunges for her hand, and only then does Alex—and Jamie—realize she was about two inches short. But Maggie had already caught her.

It’s…captivating. 

Alex is so caught in staring, that when another person brushes past her, she’s startled and finds herself—once again—sitting on the ice. 

She really wishes she would’ve taken Jamie’s advice on the gloves. 

Maggie turns and tries not to laugh, which she appreciates. She shakes her head a little and reaches out her hands, sighing, “What am I gonna do with you, Ally—”

Her heart stops. Suddenly she’s glad to be sitting on the ice. It hides the fact that if she’d been standing, she would’ve fallen clean over. No one calls her that—no one…except…Maggie. 

She hasn’t heard that nickname in years. It looks like Maggie surprised herself too, “Uh—Alex. Sorry, I—I meant to say Alex…”

She takes her outstretched hands, and it’s electric. The feelings she’d been keeping from even herself, broken free by that one word, “It’s ok.” 

Maggie looks away and then leads her toward the wall, kneeling down to retie her skates.

Alex is half aware of the conversation their having, but every touch, every word, feels ten times more powerful than it did before that one slip-up. Was it a slip-up? Maggie’s face said yes, but if it came to her in that moment, it couldn’t have been too far buried in her mind.

Jamie yells and they both wave. Maggie stands up and faces her, “Ready?”

She tries to focus on skating, but Maggie’s hand is waiting for hers, so she takes it, “Ready.”

She is not ready.

She’s falling and she grabs at Maggie and nearly pulls her down, “You have to _relax_ , Alex.”

“I’m _trying._ ” She is. In more ways than one.

When Maggie peels her off, she puts an arm around her waist and a hand on her ribcage. 

She tries not to melt into the touch, into Maggie’s arms that are around her right now—perfectly strong and soft, and…

“This ok?” she asks.

Alex can only nod.

“Ok. Breathe, Alex.”

 _Easy for you to say_ , she thinks. Maggie takes her hand off of her ribcage, and Alex immediately feels the loss. She wishes she’d put it back.

They start slow, and eventually she gets better. She has balance, yes, and when her mind is not overtaken by thoughts about Maggie, she’s actually pretty decent. 

But only straight lines—she still can’t turn. She tries to show off and spin around on her own, but it’s slow and pathetic. 

Maggie comes to a smooth stop in front of her, laughing, “There’s the Bambi I remember.”

Alex wants to kiss her. 

But suddenly there’s a clatter and crying. Someone fell. She looks around, and before she knows what’s happening, Maggie’s gone. She scans the crowd and finds her again in the far corner, holding a crying Jamie in her arms. 

She feels a combination of sadness for Jamie, and warmth for the gentle and easy way Maggie is calming her down and carrying her off the ice. 

She slowly and carefully makes her way out of the rink. 

Walking on the grass in skates is a little easier than the ice, although it takes longer. She sees them on a bench, and hears Jamie cry out, “I’m bleeding?!” 

She’s never seen her like this. She’s always been goofy and happy, but that little cry…she feels like someone’s squeezing her heart. She’s not sure if it’s seeing any kid crying, or seeing this particular kid crying…but she’ll think about that later.

She watches Maggie whisper something, kiss her forehead, and hold her close. She’s rocking her back and forth, and it’s one of the sweetest things she’s ever seen. She doesn’t want to interrupt, but she doesn’t know where else to go. 

Maggie sees her and mouths _I’m sorry_. She shakes her head. Why would she be sorry? 

Alex sits on the bench silently. She expects this to be the end of their night. But a few minutes later, she hears Maggie ask, “You ready to go back out there? Or are you all done?”

Jamie frowns, “Not done. But you have to hold my hand.”

Her pouty demands remind her so much of Kara. She bites back a grin. 

“Deal,” Maggie agrees.

She jumps down and is looking at Alex. She wonders if she should leave. She feels like she walked in on their private moment.

“And you have to hold my hand too.”

Her heart swells. _Maybe it’s just this particular kid…_ she thinks.

“Please…?” 

She smiles at that. Maggie with every mom’s line—but it works.

“Please,” Jamie repeats.

“I can do that,” she promises.

…

They’re walking home, and Jamie is back to normal and silly as ever—singing Christmas songs loudly and dancing down the sidewalk. 

Maggie takes her hand, and in a moment of daydreaming, she imagines what they would look like if she was on the other side of the sidewalk. It would be a pretty cute picture. 

Then Maggie is looking up at her, and she blushes—she’s pretty sure Maggie can’t read her thoughts, but she still feels like she was caught doing something embarrassing.

“Mama! Mama! Look!”

Alex looks up and Jamie’s face is smooshed against a store window. They stroll up behind her and look inside the bakery to see Santa inside.

Jamie begs to go in. When she turns to look at them, Alex expects Maggie to drop her hand, but she doesn’t. But she does try to get Jamie to keep walking. Alex doesn’t want the night to end. 

“Mama, pleeeeease,” she begs again. Alex wonders if Jamie’s pout works as well as the Danvers Pout used to. Actually…maybe that one still works. She hasn’t tried.

She squeezes Maggie’s hand and runs up to Jamie and kneels down beside her, putting on her best pouty face, “Mama pleeeeeease,” she mimics.

Maggie fights it, but eventually she grins, “Alright, let’s go.”

It works just like it always used to. It makes her heart flutter.

Jamie runs inside and Maggie helps her to her feet, “ _Bad influence,_ Danvers,” she scolds.

There’s no point denying it. Then she notices the mistletoe above the door—apparently the universe is rewarding her for her bad behavior.

She looks up, “Yeah, well…I’ll admit I had ulterior motives…”

She waits for Maggie to see it, but she doesn’t wait too long. She kisses her in the middle of the street, in front of the bakery—and she’s very aware that Maggie kisses her back.

…

Jamie sees Santa and Alex buys her a giant mug of hot chocolate, and talks Maggie into sharing a piece of chocolate peanut butter cheesecake. 

She calls her a bad influence for the third time in two days, so Alex lives up to her new name by swiping a bit of cheesecake onto her nose. 

She and Jamie think it’s hilarious. 

When Jamie runs off to the bathroom to wash hot chocolate off her face, Maggie narrows her eyes, “You think your pretty funny, don’t you?”

Alex shrugs, “Yeah, kinda.”

Maggie scrunches her nose, “My face is all sticky.”

She grins, “I can help you with that…”

She shakes her head, “No way. I don’t trust you anymore.”

“Me?” she scoffs, “I’m _very_ trustworthy. I’ll show you. Come here.” She reaches her hands out, and Maggie pulls back, “Come on, Maggie! I promise. I’ll help you.”

She shakes her head, but she’s grinning.

Alex puts two hands right under her jaw—her fingertips grazing her neck—and they both stop suddenly, staring at each other for a few seconds. She moves in to kiss her, but right as she closes her eyes, she feels something cold on her own nose—and Maggie’s laughing.

“I cannot _believe_ you!”

Jamie appears at the table and joins right in with Maggie, laughing at the whipped cream on Alex’s face. Maggie pulls Jamie onto her lap, “I think Alex needs to wash her face too, what do you think?”

Jamie giggles, and nods her head in agreement. 

Both of them are watching her with huge grins—Maggie’s arms wrapped tight around Jamie, Jamie’s head leaning against her chest, tucked under her chin—and in that moment, Alex knows this is all she wants. Forever. 

These two, giggling, looking at her like that… She can only imagine she’s looking at them the same way. She feels like she is.

But they said casual. They agreed on that. Except…there was nothing casual about the way she feels about them. She kind of knew it yesterday, but she definitely knows it now.

Then the doubt creeps in, a chill through the warmth that’s settled into her whole body. _What if that’s all Maggie wants? Casual._

The thought brings tears to her eyes, but she wipes them away with the whipped cream on her nose. 

She suppresses her feelings. She tries to be casual—whatever that means, anymore, “Who’s the bad influence now?” she teases.

Maggie grins behind her coffee mug, “I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

…

They get back to Maggie’s fairly late, and Alex is surprised that Jamie is somehow still awake. 

She is exhausted, and sore in places that even 12-hour DEO training sessions never reached. She wants to take a bath, and never, ever, put on ice skates again.

“Do you want to come in?”

She does. Very much. But she promised they’d take things slow. 

Tonight was amazing and she doesn’t want it to end. She doesn’t want to watch Maggie walk away—hell, she doesn’t want to watch Jamie walk away either. Unless, of course, it was for very important, non-kid-friendly activities…

But that’s not what they agreed on, “I—I should go.”

“…right. Yeah. Thanks for coming, Alex.”

Her voice is a little distant. Alex tries to explain, “Mag—” but then Jamie reappears.

“The elevator’s here! You’re gonna miss it!”

“We’ll get another one. Jamie, say goodbye to Alex.”

She looks up at Alex with a frown, “You’re not coming over?”

“Not tonight. I have to get home,” she tries to say it lightly, like it doesn’t hurt to leave them both here.

“Bye Alex,” Jamie gives her a hug and Alex squeezes her a little tighter. 

“Bye, Jamie. Thanks for teaching me how to ice skate. I had a lot of fun tonight.”

Maggie sends Jamie inside, but barely looks at her, “I’ll see you later, Alex.”

She sounds disappointed. But they agreed on casual—isn’t that what she wanted?

“Maggie, wait—”

Part of her wants to be honest about her feelings and tell Maggie they’ve changed. They’ve gotten deeper. But part of her needs to sort it out for herself first. She needs to figure out if it’s real, or if it was just the lights and the ice skating and flirting over cheesecake. 

Alex was sure then, but when she wakes up in the morning, will she feel the same? She doesn’t know. Casual or not, she will be careful. She owes Maggie—and Jamie—that much.

She steps a little closer, but not too close, “I had a really good time today…but I think we need to talk. Can we…can we talk…later? Or tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Later,” she agrees. 

She wants to kiss her goodbye like she did under the mistletoe, like she tried to inside the bakery, but stops short. 

She kisses her cheek instead, and smiles, before turning and heading home.

…

They don’t talk later. By the time Alex makes it home, her muscles are so sore from ice-skating—and repeatedly falling—that the only thing she can think about is taking a long, hot bath. 

Afterwards, she lays down in bed, and realizes too late that her phone is still in her coat pocket in the kitchen, but she’s too tired to go get it.

The next thing she knows, she wakes up to a knock on her door.

_Who…?_

Her phone rings but it’s in the other room. Then there’s more knocking.

“Alex?”

That sounds…like…her mom?

Her brain comes to life slowly. It’s…Sunday. 

Shit. She’s supposed to have breakfast and go Christmas shopping with her mom. But that’s not until… She spins around the clock on the nightstand. 9:24AM.

 _Shit_. 

She’s usually up at 5:30, every day. But after last night, she was mentally and physically exhausted. She actually slept in.

She stumbles out of bed and her muscles are screaming. She opens the door and Eliza looks chipper and showered and ready to start her day. 

Alex isn’t even wearing pants, “Hey mom.”

She looks her up and down, “You’re not ready.”

No kidding. She runs a hand through her hair, “I…forgot,” she winces.

But Eliza grins, “Rough night?”

Her stomach lurches. How does she know? She told her Maggie was back in town, but that was right after it’d happened. She was pretty sure she didn’t know about Jamie, and even more sure she didn’t know about their impromptu date last night, “What do you—how do you…?”

“The CatCo party. Wasn’t it last night?”

_Right._

“I told you shopping the next morning was a bad idea, but you insisted.”

She did. “Um…right. Sorry. Can I just…shower? I’ll be super quick. I promise.”

Eliza kisses her forehead, “No rush, sweetheart. We’ve got all day.”

…

They get to the mall, and Alex requests that their first stop is coffee. 

When they get their drinks, Eliza turns to her, handing over a bottle of aspirin with a smirk, “Fun party?”

“Thank you,” she sighs. She takes a few of them from the bottle and hands it back to her mom, who looks like she’s still waiting for an answer, “Oh…um…” she falters. 

She can lie to her mom and pretend to have been at the party—she knows Kara will cover for her. Or she can own up to the fact that she skipped it…for something very much like a date, with Maggie, her ex-fiancée, who’s she is almost definitely falling in love with again—and her…daughter.

She’s too tired to lie, “I didn’t go.”

Eliza looks confused, “Sorry. I thought…I assumed…”

“I know. I was supposed to go, but then…um…Maggie called?” it comes out like a question, even though it’s not.

“Oh.”

They start walking through the mall, and Alex can see the flicker of something in her eyes, “What?”

“Nothing.”

“ _Mom_ …”

Eliza shrugs, “I’m just…surprised, is all.”

“And…?” she prompts.

“And…nothing,” she laughs. “I like Maggie, dear. I think you know that. I’m just surprised, given the last time you mentioned her, it didn’t seem like…like you would be out…late…together…”

She’s shocked at what her mother is implying, “Mom! We didn’t…we weren’t…” she shakes her head, “It’s not like that.”

Eliza looks her over, “Uh-huh.”

“It’s just…” she tries not to cringe, “casual.” 

She’s hates that word. It’s been about 48 hours since she uttered it to Maggie, and she would now like to wipe it from her vocabulary entirely. 

Maybe J’onn can do that for her—an early Christmas present.

Her mother looks at her questioningly, “Casual?”

It sounds worse when she says it. She sighs, “It’s…complicated.”

She nods a little.

Before she has a chance to say anything else, Eliza points to the book store, “I have to get something for your sister in there, come on.”

…

Her mom is talking to a salesperson about some book that Kara must’ve asked for, and Alex is flipping through a bunch of the coffee table books a few aisles away. She sees one about dragons, and she smiles. 

 _Dragons, Disney Princess and BB-8,_ she remembers. The things Maggie told her at the toy store Jamie currently loves.

As soon as she picks it up, she hears, “Alex!”

It’s not her mom—but a voice that is starting to become very familiar. Two little arms are around her legs in seconds.

Warmth spreads through her whole body. Apparently it wasn’t just the lights, and the flirting, and the cheesecake that made her feel this way last night—these feelings seem to be here to stay.

She kneels down to Jamie’s level, “I was just thinking about you!”

Jamie looks shocked, “You _were_?”

“I was!” She holds out the dragon book and Jamie’s eyes get wide, “I heard you liked dragons.”

“I do!”

She sits cross-legged on the floor and starts flipping through the pages slowly, reverently, like each one contains the secrets of the universe and she’s trying to memorize it all. Alex isn’t even sure if she knows how to read, but oh man—the kid likes books too? She doesn’t stand a chance.

Jamie is fully occupied, so she stands and looks around for Maggie, but doesn’t see her. She puts a hand on the top of Jamie’s head, “Um…Jamie…where’s your mama?”

She doesn’t even look up, “At work.”

Alex’s heart drops in her chest. She looks down at her, “Who brought you here?”

“Anna’s mom.”

Ok. Well at least she’s not a runaway. Or kidnapped. “And where is Anna’s mom, sweetheart?”

Jamie looks up at her and tilts her chin. Did she just call her _sweetheart?_ She probably shouldn’t have done that. She opens her mouth to correct herself.

“Jamie?”

A tall brunette woman appears, with a little girl about Jamie’s age at her side, wearing thick round glasses.

“Anna! Look! Dragons!” She holds up the book and the little girl runs to sit next to her.

Alex smiles at the woman, “Anna’s mom, I take it?”

She holds out her hand and the woman shakes it, “You must be Alex.”

Her stomach flips. Has Maggie mentioned her to this woman? But then the rational part of her brain remembers Jamie just shouted her name across the whole store. _Duh_. “I am. Yes.”

The woman smiles, “Nina.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Alex?”

That voice is much more familiar. She whirls around and her mother is standing behind all of them with a very confused look on her face. “Mom! Hey. Um…” she doesn’t even know where to begin to explain this.

There’s a tap on her stomach, and she looks down and Jamie is standing there with her arms stretched out, looking up at her expectantly. She doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know how to turn down the sweet little gesture. 

She picks her up and puts her on her hip easily, looking anywhere except her mom’s face. She can only imagine the look she’s getting.

Jamie looks at her, and with zero subtlety, says, “Who’s that?”

She tries to breathe. Tries to ignore Jamie’s head against her chest, right over her heart—the same heart that feels like it’s going to thump right out of her body.

She looks up at her mom reluctantly, “Jamie, this is my mom. Eliza.”

Jamie says nothing, and Alex forces the rest of the introductions out of her throat, “Mom…this is Nina, and her daughter Anna.” 

Her mom nods politely at the two, but Alex knows she’s waiting for the explanation of the little girl that’s so comfortably tucked in her arms. “And this is Jamie,” she swallows thickly, “Maggie’s daughter.”

She sees the shock flash across Eliza’s face, but it disappears quickly. She holds out her hand, and Jamie takes it, “Nice to meet you, Jamie.”

“You too.” She looks at Eliza curiously, “Do you know my mama?”

Eliza smiles sweetly, “I did. A while ago.”

“Before me?”

She laughs, “Yes, I’m pretty sure it was before you.”

Jamie frowns, “Everyone here knew her before me.”

Alex gently pokes her side, and her frown turns into giggles, “You just moved here! How were we supposed to know you before you got here, silly girl?”

“I don’t know!” she giggles. 

She squirms and Alex puts her back on the floor. She kneels down beside her, “Well, I have to get back to my Christmas shopping, and you probably have places to go too.”

“The movies!” she shouts.

Alex looks between both girls, “The movies?! Lucky girls.”

Anna looks up at her mom, “ _And_ we get popcorn, right Mommy?” 

Nina smiles at them, “Only if we hurry.”

Alex stands back up, “Well, you better get going then! You can’t miss out on popcorn!”

Jamie wraps her arms around her legs again, and Alex hugs her as best she can, “Bye Jamie.”

“Bye Alex!” She takes Anna’s mom’s outstretched hand. 

Her and Eliza wave as they walk away, and she feels her mom’s hand on her shoulder. She turns to her slowly, and feels the redness creeping up her cheeks.

Her mom raises an eyebrow, “Casual, you said?”

She groans and rests her forehead on her mom’s shoulder, “I think I _also_ said complicated.”

Eliza laughs lightly and kisses the top of her head.

…

Over the next hour, Alex tells her mom everything. 

Eliza doesn’t say much, but she listens intently. When Alex starts talking in circles, she gently nudges her back on track, until she’s left nothing unsaid.

She didn’t think she would tell her mom all this, but once she starts, she finds it hard to stop.

She’s sitting on the floor of a dressing room—on the pedestal of one of those horrible mirror half-circles that never seem to do anyone any favors—while her mom is trying on outfits for Christmas Eve dinner at Kara’s.

She’s finally made it to the end of the story, “That’s why I forgot about our shopping date today. I was so exhausted. I don’t remember ice skating being so hard!” 

She hears Eliza laugh, and she tilts her head back against the glass, staring at the ceiling. “I wanted to stay longer last night, but we said it would be casual—I’m really starting to hate that word, by the way. But we agreed to go slow. Only…” The end of that sentence pops into her head, but she can’t bring herself to say it.

“You love her.” 

The dressing room door opens, and Eliza is standing in a gold dress that doesn’t look horrible, necessarily, but it’s not great. Alex scrunches up her face and shakes her head.

“Alex…” 

She says her name like she’s in trouble. She’s just being honest. A gold dress with her mom’s skin tone, and her blonde hair…it’s not a great look. 

She opens her mouth to explain, when it hits her. The first thing her mom said comes at her a little late, and her face falls.

“Yeah,” she breathes. “Mom…I—I love her,” she whispers.

Eliza puts a hand on her chin, smiling at her softly, “I think you love them both,” she says carefully.

Alex starts to cry.

…

Eliza changes back into her clothes quickly, and they leave the mall.

Alex cries the whole way home.

Her mom doesn’t tell her to stop crying—which she wishes she could—or she’s overreacting—which she’s pretty sure she is—or anything, really. She drives them back to Alex’s apartment silently, occasionally reaching over to rub her back, or touch her knee, or hand her tissues.

By the time her mom unlocks her door, most of her tears have stopped, and all she wants to do is curl in a ball and go to sleep.

She drops all her bags in the middle of the floor and sits on the couch, tucking her knees to her chin.

Eliza takes her bags into her room and hangs her coat up by the door. All she says is, “Tea?”

Alex doesn’t trust her voice, so she nods.

They sit in silence on the couch, mugs of tea steaming on the coffee table in front of them. She has to say something, but she can’t. She doesn’t even know where to start.

Eliza’s voice is soft and careful, “Alex?”

She looks up at her.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She stares at the steam coming from her mug, “I don’t know what else to even say.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No.”

She feels childish for saying it, but it’s true. She doesn’t want to be alone right now.

Eliza nods and tugs the blanket off the back of the couch, throwing it over her knees. She puts an arm around her shoulders, and Alex leans in and closes her eyes.

She wakes up starving, and a little confused. She’s not one to nap, and waking up in the middle of the day throws her off. She sits up slowly, realizing she fell asleep on her mom’s lap. 

Eliza brushes some of the hair from her face, and the whole afternoon comes back to her.

She bites her lip, “Mom…what am I gonna do?”

Her mom looks like she’s considering her answer, “I think you need to tell her, sweetheart.”

She nods. She’s right. She needs to talk to Maggie, but… “What if she doesn’t want this?”

Eliza kisses her forehead, and smiles at her, “What if she does?”

…

For nearly two weeks, she can’t get a hold of Maggie—not really. She leaves voicemails, and there’s a few texts, but even if she’d gotten her on the phone for more than a minute, she couldn’t have the conversation she wants to have. 

She starts to wonder if Maggie’s avoiding her.

She buries herself in work, in training her recruits, in overseeing the technology developments at L-Corp, in day trips to the new locations. It’s a welcome distraction.

Before she knows it, Christmas Eve is here.

When she walks into Kara’s, her sister has this hopeful look on her face—but when she closes the door, her shoulders drop. She gives her a hug, “Wow. Good too see you too,” she teases.

“Sorry!” She hugs her a little too tight, “Merry Christmas, Alex.”

When they pull apart, she still has the question written on her face. Alex answers it, “No. We haven’t talked. We never got a chance.”

“Talked to who?”

She hands Kara the presents as Winn pops up over her shoulder. Alex hugs him, “Merry Christmas, Winn.”

“Merry Christmas,” he answers. His eyes go wide, “Ooooh. Wait! Maggie? Is it Maggie? Is she coming too?”

Kara smacks him in the arm, “ _Winn_.”

He looks genuinely confused, “What?”

She takes pity on him, “No. She’s not coming. Not unless you invited her—” that last part is directed at James as he walks by, and he chokes on his drink—making them all laugh.

“I—I—what now?”

“Don’t look at me like that, Olsen. I know your deep dark secret.”

She watches the redness creep up to his ears, then wraps him in a hug too. She whispers low enough so only he can hear, “Thanks for looking out for her.”

He grins bashfully, “Yeah…of course.”

She hugs her mom hello too, and is grateful she doesn’t ask about Maggie. 

Lena, J’onn and M’gann get there a little later. It’s still before dinner, and they’re all sitting around talking, and taking turns yelling at Winn to stop shaking the presents. 

Alex is distracted. She’s happy to be here with her family, but it doesn’t feel like it usually does.

She’s staring at the TV, watching _The Santa Clause_ , but not really watching it. She’s thinking about sitting on the beach, Maggie pressed into her side, and how her hand perfectly fit in her own. She thinks about peanut butter sandwiches, half-dressed, in bed. She thinks about that moment when everything shifted, Jamie wrapped up on Maggie’s lap, both of them laughing at the whipped cream on her nose.

Eliza sits down on the couch next to her, and puts a hand on her knee, “Alex?”

She blinks out of her daydream. She looks around, but it doesn’t look like anyone else noticed except Eliza—and Kara on her other side, “Sorry. Distracted.”

“I noticed,” Eliza grins. 

Kara grins too, “Right…sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

She shrugs. 

“You know…she’s probably not working today.”

She doesn’t know what to say. She’s probably right. But it’s Christmas Eve. Surely she has plans.

“Alex?”

She looks at her sister. Kara takes her hand and squeezes it, “Bring her home.”

Her stomach swoops, and tears spring to her eyes. _Bring her home._  

Kara means here—she thinks. But Maggie _was_ Alex’s home. She always had been. Jamie didn’t change that—she made it so much better. She loves that little girl so much. She loves them both _so_ much.

“What would I even say?”

Kara rolls her eyes but with the biggest grin, “Tell her you love her, Alex.”

She looks at her mom, “I think your sister has a point…”

She stares at the floor and takes a few deep breaths, then stands and looks back at them both, “I—I’ll be back. Probably after dinner. Don’t wait.”

Kara squeals, Eliza looks like she might cry, and Alex has to keep herself from full-on running out the door.

She hears Winn’s voice before the door shuts behind her, “Where is she going?”

…

She turns the corner of the less familiar hallway, and the fear in her stomach is growing. She feels like she might pass out. Kara’s words play in her head, _bring her home_.

She knocks on the door before she can change her mind.

It opens in a split second, so she doesn’t have time to think, she just reacts, “Hey.” 

She’s surprised how normal it sounds.

Maggie is standing totally still, and Alex notices she’s dressed really nice, so she must be going somewhere. She wonders where that is.

“Um…I’m sorry to show up unannounced, but we haven’t had time to talk and I just…I really need to talk to you.”

She just stands there and blinks, “It’s Christmas Eve.”

“Right…” _Bring her home._ “I know. I…do you—do you have a second?”

She steps into the hall and closes the door. “This can’t wait until after—” 

She doesn’t know where Maggie’s going or what she’s doing tonight, but no. It can’t wait. It can’t wait one more second, “This can’t wait.” 

Thankfully that part comes out more confidently.

Maggie crosses her arms, and that gives her pause. She looks mad. Maybe she _has_ been avoiding her. Maybe this is a huge mistake. She takes a deep breath.

“I can’t do casual—” the _because_ dies in her throat when Maggie cuts her off.

“Wait—what?”

She pushes through, “I can’t do it. I can’t see you, and her, and have it be…temporary. I can’t—”

“Really? On Christmas Eve? You had to do this right now?”

Wait. _What?_ Maggie’s voice is cold. She’s hurt, and she’s trying not to show it, but Alex can feel it. 

But she came her to say something and she’s not leaving until she does, “Yes. Right now. Because I was sitting at Kara’s, surrounded by my friends and my family, and people I love and who love me back, and something was…missing.”

Maggie’s jaw drops, and Alex smiles a little.

“Some _one_ was missing…” she clarifies. 

She lets herself look at Maggie the way she’s been afraid to since she came back. The way she’s wanted to since she saw her outside Noonan’s, and even after four years, it took her breath away.

“…me?”

“Both of you.”

But she has to make sure Maggie is on the same page, “I’m sorry for how I left the other night. I thought I could keep it casual. That’s what we agreed on…and I tried. But I fell for you a _long_ time ago, and I was falling _so hard_ for her, and I…couldn’t get closer to you both, unless…” 

Maggie’s not saying anything, and with every word, she feels the knots in her stomach tighten again. Maybe Maggie doesn’t want this, “But if that’s not what you want, I understand.”

“Uh… Yeah. Yes. I—I want…” she stutters.

 _Thank god_. The grin on her face is immediate, and Alex almost kisses her right there, but she stops herself just short, “Then maybe we should…kiss the girls we wanna kiss. Because I _really_ just—”

The rest of the sentence is lost in Maggie’s mouth against hers, and her hands on her body, and every part of Alex is on fire.

She has to pull away to catch her breath, and Maggie teases her and Alex brushes the hair back from her face, because she can’t keep her hands to herself. 

Maggie kisses her again, but before can react, she pulls away quickly, saying she’s late for something. Alex is hoping she can get her to skip whatever plans she has tonight. 

She tries to kiss her again, but Maggie takes a step back, grinning with those dimples, and Alex’s knees go weak. 

“You have to stop doing that. I can’t think when you do that…”

“Do what?” She tries to close the gap between them, but Maggie backs up and into the wall.

“Church.”

She stops. That—that is unexpected. Her face probably shows it. 

“We’re on our way to church. Christmas Eve and all…”

Ok, so she probably can’t get her to skip her plans with Jesus on Christmas Eve. Regardless of religion, that seems like a pretty straightforward ticket to Hell…

She backs off slightly and Maggie turns to open the door, but stops and looks at her, and she just…wants her. 

“Um…just to be clear: this is _not_ casual, and _not_ temporary, this is…what is this, exactly?”

 _This is home_ , she thinks—but she doesn’t say it, not yet. 

She leans into her and kisses her neck, and she can feel Maggie’s body writhe against hers. She wants to always be able to make her do that, “I _think_ this is dating…”

Maggie turns and puts a hand on her chest, and she feels it through her coat and her clothes and it seers into her skin, “You’re such a smartass.”

She grins. Well, yes. She’s definitely that.

“Jamie, you almost ready?!”

Alex had been so consumed by Maggie, she had forgotten about Jamie momentarily. But the little girl is running—mostly naked—right at her, and she’s filled with a completely different kind of happiness. 

She spins her around and puts her on her hip, and Alex knows she loves her too—unconditionally, fully. 

“You sure you’re ready for this?” Maggie asks.

She’s never been more sure of anything in her entire life, “All in, Sawyer.”

She watches the tears spring to Maggie’s eyes, but they must be happy tears, because she’s still grinning at her. Alex wants to kiss those tears away, but she’s still not totally clear on the PDA rules when Jamie’s around, so she just smiles at her for now.

Jamie looks up at her, and then at Maggie, “Ready for what?”

She just laughs.

…

They get to Kara’s, and Jamie is getting excited, but Maggie looks terrified. Alex tries distracting her, but when they’re standing in the hallway, she looks at Maggie, and her eyes look a little watery, “You’re sure this is a good idea?”

“Yes,” she answers simply.

Jamie shouts it too and Alex laughs, but Maggie frowns, “You know all of a sudden I’m outnumbered, and I’m not sure I like it…”

She can tell she’s still nervous. She takes her hands and tries to think something comforting to say.

“Are you gonna kiss her?”

She can feel the blood rush to her cheeks. She loves Jamie, yes, but she’s still not used to her always being around. It’s worse than being around Kara—the kid sees _everything,_ but with even less of a filter. It’s going to be an adjustment.

But Maggie laughs, “I think she was thinking about it. What do you think?”

That relaxes her. Maggie’s ok with her being around Jamie. She’s ok with them kissing in front of Jamie. She feels the warmth rise up in her chest.

“Still sure about this?” Maggie asks.

Alex kisses her approval, “Definitely.”

She opens the door and _of course_ Kara is standing right there, grinning like the mischievous little sister she is. 

“Nosy much?” she teases. 

But then suddenly Jamie runs across the room, “UNCLE JIMMY!”

Oops. She didn’t think about that. She reaches out to Maggie, but before she makes it, she spins around and runs right into her chest.

“Alex, you did not tell me your mom was here.”

“Of course—” She’s confused, “Why are you freaking out?”

“Your mom. Your mom who threw us a wedding shower. Your mom who’s daughter’s heart I broke. She’s gonna kill me.”

As Maggie rambles, Alex watches Eliza walking closer to them, and Maggie’s eyes go wide when her mom touches her shoulder. She slowly turns to face her.

She puts a hand on her back in support, and scans the room. J’onn and M’gann are saying nothing, but both seem to be putting a lot of effort into holding Winn still. 

James is walking toward them with Jamie in his arms and it’s the first time she’s seen them together, but their relationship is evident in how easy it looks on him, “Well…who needs hot cocoa?”

She catches his eye, and he winks.

“With marshmallows?” Lena asks.

Jamie is beside herself.

“And who needs something stronger?” J’onn asks.

Maggie answers before she can, “Me.” 

Right now she loves her family so much. She sees Kara leaning against the sink next to Winn, tears in both their eyes, and she points a finger at them behind Maggie’s back, mouthing _stop it._

They shake their heads no, and Alex can’t blame them. She could cry too.

…

They drink a little, dance a lot, and eat way more than they should. She’s not sure how the night could’ve been more perfect.

After the last of the Super Friends make their way home, Jamie is wearing one of Kara’s sweatshirts, asleep on Maggie’s chest on the couch, and Alex leans into her shoulder. 

Kara comes back from her room, changed out of her party clothes and into something much more comfortable. She stands there, looking down at the three of them.

“What?” Alex asks, but she’s grinning despite herself. She’s just _so_ happy.

Kara holds her phone up like she’s going to take a picture, and Alex rolls her eyes, but when she feels Maggie kiss the top of her head, she closes them instead.

When she opens them, Kara wipes a tear from her cheek, “Uh…I’m going to bed. Can I get you guys some more blankets?”

She almost says yes, but Maggie answers first, “Oh, no. We can’t stay.”

Her heart jumps a little, and she looks at Maggie, but she puts a hand on her cheek and smiles, “We can’t stay because, uh… _Santa_ won’t be able to find us here.”

“Right.” Tomorrow is Christmas. Jamie will be waiting for Santa.

Kara nods slightly, “Well…Merry Christmas, Maggie.”

Maggie smiles, “Merry Christmas, Kara.”

When Kara goes back to her room, Maggie kisses her, “I should get this elf to her own bed.”

She stands up and helps pull Maggie to her feet. Somehow she does it while still holding Jamie to her chest, and Alex is impressed. She grins, and Maggie tilts her head, “What?”

“You’re really good that.”

She laughs, “At deadlifting 50lbs of sleeping kid?”

Alex kisses her nose, “At being a mom.”

“Oh, well…” she shrugs off the attention and blushes a little. 

Alex wonders if anyone’s told her that before—certainly James has. They’ve been friends this whole time, there’s no way he hasn’t been there for her. She wonders if she ever believed him. 

She makes a promise to herself to tell her until she believes it. Every day, if she has to. She kisses the top of Jamie’s still-sleeping head, and then kisses Maggie, “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Alex.”

…

…

…

She wakes up at 5:30AM, like she has for most of her adult life, but today she’s more tired than normal. 

She shuffles to the kitchen to make coffee, refusing to turn on any lights, because she’s not ready to be quite so awake yet.

Once the coffee starts, she leans over the counter with her head in her hands. She almost falls asleep, standing up, listening to the sound of the coffee brewing—but then there’s a tug on her shirt.

“Mommy?”

It’s been two years since Maggie walked back into her life, and about a year and half since she became “Mommy”—it hasn’t gotten old.

She blinks a few times to force herself awake, and she can’t help it, she grins, “Good morning, little one.”

“Mornin’,” she mumbles. 

Apparently Alex isn’t the only one who’s half-asleep. Jamie reaches up her arms, and Alex picks her up, even though now that she’s seven, she’s pretty close to being too big for it. 

“You’re up early.”

Jamie has her head on her shoulder, but she feels her shrug.

“Are you hungry?”

“Yes,” she mumbles.

“What you want?”

She leans back so suddenly, that Alex nearly drops her. 

“Waffles!”

“ _Shhh_ …”

“Waffles,” she whispers loudly.

She puts her down on the ground and kisses her forehead, “Ok. Waffles it is. Are you gonna help?” She regrets asking the question as soon as she asks it—she puts her hand over Jamie’s mouth just as she shouts “Yes!” into her hand.

“ _Quietly_ ,” she reminds her.

She reaches for a coffee cup, and Jamie takes off down the hall. _So much for helping_. 

She opens up the lower cabinet for the waffle maker, and when she stands up, Jamie’s running back at her, now with her blanket wrapped around her shoulders, and an armful of stuffed animals. 

She doesn’t even have a chance to tell her to slow down before the outcome she imagined unfolds in slow motion, right in front of her: Jamie trips and falls head first, right into the kitchen island. 

Alex isn’t sure what part of her actually hits the counter, but the dull thud she hears means something did. There’s a split second where she thinks Jamie might not cry, but only because the pain hasn’t hit her yet—then she screams, “MOMMY!!”

The pain in her voice shatters her heart. She has her in her arms in a second, trying to calm her down, “I got you. You’re ok, sweetie. You’re ok…”

She can feel the tears running hot down her neck and soaking into her shirt. She rubs circles on her back, trying to slow her breathing down so she can find out where she’s hurt.

Suddenly Maggie’s on the other side of the kitchen, and her heart sinks. She knows she just went to sleep a few hours ago. But then there’s more crying from the hallway, and Maggie disappears with a tired little smile.

She sits Jamie on the counter, and peels her away from her to see if she’s actually ok.

“Am I bleeding?” she cries.

Alex lifts her chin, and there’s a pretty big bump—that will very likely be a bruise—but that’s all, “Not bleeding. Just a bump on your chin.”

She wipes her tears with her sleeve and kisses her forehead. Jamie looks up at her, “Can I have a Band-Aid?” she whimpers.

Alex tries to follow her kid logic, “Will that make it feel better?”

“Yeah,” she pouts.

“Ok.” She gets a Band-Aid out and puts it on her chin as Maggie comes back with their son in her arms. Even in the chaos and sleep-deprivation, the sight of them melts her heart. 

“What happened, peanut?”

Maggie hugs Jamie, and Alex kisses her temple, “We wanted to make waffles for breakfast, but we might’ve been a _little_ too excited…”

Jamie’s tucked into Maggie’s chest, so Alex tries to silently tell Maggie that she whacked her chin on the counter. 

She winces, “Ouch. You ok?”

The only answer she gets is a frown. Maggie lifts their son to kiss her cheek, and it makes Jamie smile. It’s too cute. She still can’t believe this is her life now—her family now.

Jamie suddenly looks like she’s feeling a lot better, “Can I feed him?”

Maggie grins, “Sure. You can be in charge of his breakfast, and I’ll handle the waffles.”

“I do _not_ like waffles,” she pouts.

Apparently this has gotten personal. Alex smirks, “Yes, you do…”

Jamie points to her chin, “Not anymore!”

She picks her up off the counter, kisses her cheek, and sets her on the floor, “Do you think that was the waffle’s fault, or maybe running with four stuffed animals and a blanket in your hands?”

“Waffles.”

Stubborn little girl. Alex can’t imagine a universe where this kid would not eat waffles. She plants a kiss on the baby’s head before Maggie straps the little guy into his bouncy seat on the counter, and Jamie climbs on the table to feed him.

Maggie shuffles back and puts her forehead down on her chest. She wraps her up in her arms as she mumbles in her neck, “It’s too early.”

She got up with the baby only a few hours ago, and Alex feels bad that they’re both up now. She holds her tight and rests her chin on top of her head, “I know. I tried to let you sleep in, but the tiny tornado over there got a little out of control.”

With her wife in her arms, she looks over at their tiny tornado who is now kneeling on the kitchen table, talking nonstop to her little brother, and Alex’s heart is so full. It’s so much more than she ever imagined for herself. 

Maggie pulls away a little and kisses her right in the middle of the kitchen—and not exactly chastely. It makes her blush, “What’s that for?”

She’s answered with another kiss, “Just because.”  

As Maggie tucks herself back into her chest, that answer pulls her back to a memory she hadn’t thought about in a long time—one where her and Maggie were in this same apartment, sitting in the same bed they left not too long ago. She remembers being half-naked, eating peanut butter sandwiches, and learning about each other again. 

She remembers kissing Maggie, who asked, “What’s that for?”

And she remembers what she told her then, “Just because.”

…


End file.
